Thursday, June 30, 2011

And You Are?

I've mentioned before that I have some memory loss from my depression. I know the time period, am aware that I have this lost time and can make the necessary adjustments in public to accommodate any small things that come up.

I thought.

I have a very kind and wonderful friend that I've known for quite a few years. She's been a huge help this summer with Violet getting sick. Which got me to thinking: How did I meet Tonya? And I couldn't figure it out.

Then today, as we're sitting at the pool she mentions the pre-school Violet attended. And without thinking I'm like, "What? Kevin went there? When?" She just stares at me.

And I realize. This is how we met.


Thankfully, when Violet was sick I happened to mention, completely in passing, how I had lost time when I was depressed. Since she is a licensed psychologist I felt totally comfortable revealing it -- and the fact that I was aware I'd known her since John was a baby.

So she stared at me for about 10 seconds and her face softened. She kind of shook her head and said, "We talked in the hallway all the time. I was pregnant with McKayla. You told me about The Brady Kohn Foundation. You aren't remembering any of this?"

I shook my head, no.

She said, "Wow. You really were out of it."

And I had to giggle. Once again, a true friend.

No, I don't remember. And I still don't. I want to. I so do. I'm trying to piece it together, but I think I'm creating memories of what she just said, not real memories. And it sucks. Because I adore her, her kids and her husband. I want to have these memories of her being pregnant and the beginnings of our friendship. Instead I have a blank space.

Later, at the swim meet I turned to her and confirmed the name of two women we've spent days talking to.  Every morning. I know that I talked to them every morning last summer as well. Our girls swim together. But I don't know their names. So I asked Tonya. She just told me I was right. And I said, "Yeah. I should know them. But I 'met' them during the really bad time. So . . . " And she didn't ask any questions.

Maybe another reason for this depression, for this whole healing process is to show me the wonderful and beautiful woman who surround me.