I've mentioned before that I have some memory loss from my depression. I know the time period, am aware that I have this lost time and can make the necessary adjustments in public to accommodate any small things that come up.
I thought.
I have a very kind and wonderful friend that I've known for quite a few years. She's been a huge help this summer with Violet getting sick. Which got me to thinking: How did I meet Tonya? And I couldn't figure it out.
Then today, as we're sitting at the pool she mentions the pre-school Violet attended. And without thinking I'm like, "What? Kevin went there? When?" She just stares at me.
And I realize. This is how we met.
Excellent.
Thankfully, when Violet was sick I happened to mention, completely in passing, how I had lost time when I was depressed. Since she is a licensed psychologist I felt totally comfortable revealing it -- and the fact that I was aware I'd known her since John was a baby.
So she stared at me for about 10 seconds and her face softened. She kind of shook her head and said, "We talked in the hallway all the time. I was pregnant with McKayla. You told me about The Brady Kohn Foundation. You aren't remembering any of this?"
I shook my head, no.
She said, "Wow. You really were out of it."
And I had to giggle. Once again, a true friend.
No, I don't remember. And I still don't. I want to. I so do. I'm trying to piece it together, but I think I'm creating memories of what she just said, not real memories. And it sucks. Because I adore her, her kids and her husband. I want to have these memories of her being pregnant and the beginnings of our friendship. Instead I have a blank space.
Later, at the swim meet I turned to her and confirmed the name of two women we've spent days talking to. Every morning. I know that I talked to them every morning last summer as well. Our girls swim together. But I don't know their names. So I asked Tonya. She just told me I was right. And I said, "Yeah. I should know them. But I 'met' them during the really bad time. So . . . " And she didn't ask any questions.
Maybe another reason for this depression, for this whole healing process is to show me the wonderful and beautiful woman who surround me.
Memory loss from severe depressive/manic episodes is common. You know my story. I lost a whole year. It is as if I were watching a movie of my own life. But I can't remember all the scenes that well. And the DVD skips a lot ;)
ReplyDeleteIt's frustrating but I now think that my brain is trying to protect me from those times. That maybe I'm not MEANT to remember, ya know? It's just pain. And why would I want to remember the pain? I don't. I really don't.
Shit happened. A lot of shit. And that's good enough for me. It's when other people bring the shit up that hurts the most. Because it's humiliating that you cannot remember your own life.
Oh friend. I am sorry. I love what Molly said about it. Just...(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this a little bit. I think grieving a big loss can have similar effects because I have found myself doing/saying some of the same things to people because there are just certain things I, for some reason, cannot remember about those early days of grief.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you have so many wonderful, supportive people surrounding you. It has to be hard even with all those people...but can you imagine if you didn't have them?
ReplyDeletewow. i never thought about this aspect of how depression can steal. thanks for sharing. sounds like you have some very sweet friends :)
ReplyDeleteOh man, this breaks my heart. I'm so sorry, and at the same time so glad you have such a good friend.
ReplyDeleteAh, Molly. You have no idea how much these words mean to me. Coming from someone else who has lost time . . .well, it's so nice to know I'm not alone. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you. ((hugs)) right back
ReplyDeleteI think you are very right -- grief and depression are very similar when the are both deep. You're a wise woman, Diane.
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly what I've been thinking this week. And exactly what I think I'm supposed to learning.
ReplyDeleteI never realized it could do this until that very moment, about a year ago, when I found some pictures I couldn't remember. And you're right -- some incredibly sweet friends.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words.
ReplyDeleteWow, thank you for this post! I, too, have lost memories since my PPD - but I didn't realize why, or that it happened to others! I always attributed it to the first year with twins, but for some reason, I knew there was something else. I love how you ended the post on a positive note.
ReplyDeleteWe are so lucky to have ladies like this in my life. I don't know what I do without mine...
ReplyDeleteThe first year with twins has to be difficult, PPD or not :) Not everyone with PPD/depression has memory loss, but I'm beginning to find more of 'us' out there. I know when it's more due to depression than the fatigue of babies (I had 3 kids in 5 years, and 6 pregnancies in those years, and the last 2 kids are 15 months apart. Tired much?) when the memory is completely gone, not just hazy. Or when I need pictures to remind me of the event. Somethings I remember fuzzily, like first steps and then I know it's the tiredness of motherhood and multiple children. Other things, like completely forgetting a trip to Michigan . . . well, that's not just being tired. Or like this. Forgetting how you met someone relatively recently. You'll be able to know the difference by searching your memory -- but only do it when your ready. And with the help of a therapist if you want my honest opinion. It's been pretty traumatic for me. Thanks for visiting my place :)
ReplyDeleteThat's the truth, isn't it? We are blessed.
ReplyDelete