While On Vacation . . .

My children misbehaved. And were a freaking riot. A riot. I took notes, for real, on all the weird stuff they said and did just so I could blog it. They'd say something and I'd laugh so hard, then say, "Hang on, let me write that down." And type it into my little 'notes' app on my iPhone. I always wondered if/when I'd use that! So, a little glimpse into our vacation:

Me: Please don't run on the dock

Sarah & John, in unison: The life jacket makes us run!

~~

Sarah: See that duck? It's name is Flipper.

Me: How do you know it's name is Flipper?

Sarah: Because she's smart.

~~

Did you know fish can choke?

~~

That fish is named Big Ben. Oh, there he is! And there he is! And there . . . and there . . .

~~

John: Mommy, can you go sit over there, because the boat is like leaning.

(NO I WILL NOT! THE BOAT IS NOT LEANING!)

~~

Daddy, we have a problem (said while fishing), my wheeler inny came off. (that would be the fishing reel that came off.)

~~

Sarah, why don't you sit down?

Oh, I'm not putting my little patootie on those rocks!

~~

I'll touch the fish!! Wait, put him to sleep first.

~~

Daddy, I don't want a booby.

Daddy: Well, that's good, because it's called a bobber.

~~

Whew. I can't run 20 miles. I need running lessons.

~~

We had a wonderful time. We laughed and hung out on the Lake on a pontoon boat, where my husband helped the kids catch fish (although they totally think they did it all themselves) and Violet learned to cast, catch and reel in all by herself.

We went to this small little amusement park, family and Christian owned that was fantastic. Del Grosso's. They had a great water park and a ton of small fair/carnival rides for all ages. We spent 7 hours there, and it was small enough that the kids could get away from you a bit and feel some freedom, but were still with you.  If you're near the State College area of Pennsylvania I highly recommend it.

We had a great time -- and no cell/wifi service.

OMG.

And we're going back next year for 5 days.  (on a houseboat -- so awesome!)

I loved it, but did I mention no cell or wifi??

Lazy Days With Grandma

On Tuesday we went to my in laws in New Jersey with the hope that my husband would get to kayak the Delaware and fish while Sarah and John and I hung out with Grandma and Grandpa. I took my knitting and some work, knowing the kids would be entertained by the new "old" toys at Grandma's and the brook in her yard.

Only it started raining about 10 minutes from their house, a huge deluge of water that kept my husband out of the river. To say he was upset is an understatement. He'd taken time off from work and was looking forward to this so much.

So we hung out. And did a whole lot of nothing. Nothing that included the kids playing Mr. Piggly Wiggly with Grandma and Daddy teaching the kids how to play Domino's - not the stand up and crash down kind, but the old man at the table in the park kind.

They loved it! (and so did Daddy. Then they played the stand up and crash down type.)

We had a lovely lunch and it stopped raining. So the kids got on their swimsuits and climbed down into the brook while my husband 'fished.' This is how the fishing goes:

Cast the line.

Snag a very dumb fish.

Toss said fish at children.

Children scream in fear.

Children beg for more.

Cast the line.

Catch a fish. Toss a fish. Scream. Beg.

 

I don't understand the game, but it never changes and the kids initiate it every time we are there and it's warm enough to be in the brook.

Incidently, this is the same brook my husband grew up fishing, building dams in and riding his canoe down -- and no, it's not that big.Canoes should not go down this part.

They all splashed and ran and screamed while there. Grandma and Daddy were in on all the action.

They built a huge dam that took about an hour to complete. John laughed and screamed, jumped and dunked himself in the new, deeper water.

Sarah stood on the bridge and declared: I don't walk in wet grass. You can carry  me.

*snort* Like that's going to happen.

I took pictures and giggled. Did some knitting and chatted with my mother in law.

In the end it was a great day -- all saved by Domino's and a dam.

 

Six Weeks

Wait, isn't that the title of an old, dirty movie?

Moving on.

My sister in law, my brothers wife, has been in Michigan for four weeks. She'll be gone two more weeks. That's six weeks.

Ugh. I'm dying. She's gone, my niece is gone.

Kerry!! :)

When she was here we'd talk almost every day, do the 'pop in' deal with each other. She'd watch my kids and I'd get Caitlyn. Oh, how I adore that child. When she left she was just barely up on all fours. Now she's cruising furniture and has a tooth.

*sob*

Plus, ya know, Kerry is gone!

When we talked every day I'd get to bounce all my crazy ideas off her, and she'd bring me back to reality. She'd encourage me when I doubted myself. She'd remind me of how far I've come in two years.

As I'm writing this I'm not sure what I provided her. I do know that I adore her and love her with all my heart. Perhaps I haven't told her that enough or expressed it well.

What I do know is I'm missing her terribly and cannot wait until she comes home.

 

It's That Time Again . . .

It's that time again for four of my dear friends and I to get together, just as we have done every July for the past three years. Remember last year? It.Was.Epic. I mean, we talked with Josh Groban! Who said I had great moves and a wave like Prince William.

Now, this year won't be quite so exciting, but it's exciting all the same. Because I get to see these ladies who, as I've told you before, have stuck by me through my darkest, deepest depression.

They could have run, instead they stayed and were gentle with me. They encouraged me through two hospitalizations. They IM'ed me and Skyped with me. They emailed and called.

Yes, I had support right here, from my husband and amazing friends as well. But there was just something special, knowing that four women who had never met me in person would continually provide me hope and love.

I wonder if I would have done the same. I would now, knowing what I do. Having learned from so many people what friendship truly means.

So, as I head out to Pennsylvania tomorrow, with one of the ladies, Keren (already with me from Texas), I am once again filled with awe. I feel encouraged and loved in the way only girlfriends can provide.

We're going to giggle like 13 year old's and  share silly stories and secrets late into the night.

We may talk about the man who drew us together, but he's really not important. He's not what draws us close to each other anymore. It's our friendship.

I sincerely hope each of you has this kind of love in your life. We are truly blessed. Truly.

 

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

I have friendships that stretch from Texas to Massachusetts. Michigan to Delaware. Pennsylvania to Ohio. Colorado and back. And all of you here out in blogosphere.

They are wonderful, strong women. Quick witted and intelligent. Funny and supportive. There with a shoulder to cry on and a stern "Stand up and fight" when I need it. They are beautiful inside and out. They are kind and loving, fun and mine.

We have girls nights and long conversations on the phone when distance and time constraints prevents us from getting together. We text when even a phone conversation isn't possible. Even the smallest, "Hey, thinking of you" brightens my day from one of these women. We cry and laugh together over big things and little things. We celebrate successes and hug a

I am so very blessed.

So when I encounter a group of women who fail at all of things?

I need to move on.

The End.

 

So Much To Be Thankful For

I know this is an obvious post, but let's go with it, shall we?

I have so much to be thankful for. For friends who have stood by me as I heal. Who have supported me with kindness and love this past year. I don't know if you'll ever understand how much your love and support mean to me, and I can't ever thank you enough. When I'm having a bad day your friendships pull me up.

For family who loved me through the darkest days and now smile with me as I have bright days. You helped me when I couldn't help myself and for that I am ever thankful. Your love pulls me up on my bad days and supports me in ways I can't express.

The Girl Who Didn't Run

On Monday I will board a train and head for NYC. Two hours later I'll be in Penn Station. And with a very, very great friend of mine, Karen. Six hours later we'll be at the closing concert of Josh Groban's Illumination tour. Did you miss the important detail there? Karen is the important part. Not Josh.

[caption id="attachment_1592" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Our Philly concert. Karen is on the far left."][/caption]

*gasp*

I met Karen three and a half years ago online. Right about the time I was really losing my mind I started talking to her. Since we only talked online I was able to paint a pretty normal picture of my life. But as we got to know each other better and our talked turned from, "OK, Josh's first CD makes my kids sleep. What's his latest??" to "I have a therapist." She was clued in.

And she didn't run.

Then I went into the hospital. The mental hospital. And I told her.

She didn't run.

I even said to her, "Now I really am some crazy person you met online!"

We met in person, and just laughed and talked for hours. She asked how I was. If I was seeing my therapist. If I was taking my medication. If I felt well. She cared.

And I was some crazy person she'd met online.

Nine months later I called her again to say I'd been back in the hospital. She already knew. My husband had told her when she'd called to check on me because she hadn't heard from me.

Again, she didn't run. She just made sure I was still coming to her house for our girls weekend.

No fear, this girl.

In July we spent our third girls weekend together and went to the Josh Groban concert. Yes, it was a thrill  to see him. But the bigger thrill? Spending that time with Karen. And now, here we are another four months later ready to do it all again. Heading to NYC for a mere 24 hours to act like teenagers, giggle, dance and scream  for this random singer that literally brought us together.

But the greatest part? Karen. The girl who didn't run.

Helpless

Violet is sick - or was. I don't know at this point. She woke up with horrible belly pain. Bad enough that I called the doc and he sent is to the ER. It's 3 hours later and she seems totally fine as we wait foe the ER doc to see us. Did I over react ? Panic? It's so hard to know. What I do know is I feel helpless.

This part of parenting is so difficult. In most other situations I feel in control. Intelligent. Adult. When one of my kids is sick enough to need a trip to the ER I don't feel any of those things . This is what patenting books don't tell Us about.

Everywhere Around The World . . .

They come into America

On a boat or on a plane

They come into America

 

I heard Neil Diamond's iconic 'America' the other day while driving and I was taken back immediately to those first few hours of September 11, 2001. As a child I loved this song. As an adult it brings me to tears and hold many horrific memories. Not mine, mind you. I wasn't personally effected, other than how most of us were. But the images of that day will forever be burned in my mind, as camera's caught it all, feeding it all to us live.

That Tuesday I was very self absorbed, as on Saturday my husband and I were getting married. That, obviously, changed. It changed even more when family started canceling because they felt safer at home. We were getting married in New Jersey, just one about an hour and a half from Ground Zero. One couple canceled because her father was in the North Tower. He didn't make it out.

To say I was humbled is a vast understatement.

We briefly considered canceling the wedding. But then my husband said, "No. We.don't.Negotioate.With.Terroists. We'll get married in a bomb shelter if we have to. But we're doing this."

The church where we were we married is over 200 years old. To get down the isle I had to exit the church, walk through a little court yard to the front of the church, which faces the road, climb the stone steps and enter through the front doors. It was a beautiful little walk with my dad, and climbing those steps while holding my dress up was fun.  I vividly remember standing outside those huge red doors, waiting for them to be flung open and cars flashing by. Every single one of them honked their horn, yelled out their window and wistled.

95% of them also yelled, "God Bless America!" Because we needed this. We needed to celebrete something. To begin to breathe. To fight. So that night we did.

Where were you?

Where I Say "Thank You & OMG It's Happening" All At Once

Don't click out because you think this post is about Josh Groban. It's not. Really. *rolls eyes.* (But This post is. And so is this one. )

I'm leaving this morning for my annual girls weekend. Four girls and I sit around for four days and talk all things crazy, play silly board games, catch up on a year of kids, romances (three of the five of us are single), and yes, Josh Groban. Although, to be fair, he is the last thing we discuss.

Except this year.

This year we go to The Concert.

*squeals like a 13 year old* *shut up, I know I'm 38* *nobody asked you*

You must understand, that these girls, these women, are awesome. Awesome with a side of awesome sauce. Before we met -- in person (because, yes, I met them on line.) I was hospitalized for depression for the first time. I told them. And they didn't run. In fact one of them, Karen, met me just a few months later. Alone. The other three kind of shrugged their shoulders and said, "Yeah, stuff happens. Are you alright? What can we do from out here in the interwebs?"

And then they spent long evenings and late nights chatting with me on AOL Messenger -- and no, not all about Josh. I got a care package. Phone calls. So many, many  laughs.

Support, that's what I received. So much of it.

And when I went into hospital the second time, they continued to support me. I met them in person, a few short weeks after. They hugged me and showered me with love. We giggled and talked and giggled some more. They treated me as though I was normal. (ha!)

So, this morning I pack up and drive to Pennsylvania to join Karen, Linda, Mal and Keren. We'll stay up late talking about all things silly and serious. We'll play Dirty Pictionary. We'll exchange funny gifts with each other. On Friday we will get dressed up big time, get lookin' all hot, take tons of pictures and go to the concert together. And I? Will totally cry. Not because I'm seeing Josh Groban. But because I'm with these girls.

Thank you. I love you all.

 

Because It's Weird. . .

I'm writing about Violet again because we found out what virus she had. (I'm also typing this on my iPhone so excuse any typos.)

Out pediatrician called on Friday and this is how the the conversation went:

Dr: Violet had parvovirus.

Me: Okaaaay. . .huh. I don't want to sound ignorant (but I so am going to) but I thought that was something dogs got?

Dr: It's dangerous for dogs. And pregnant woman. (Cue panic. My SIL is pregnant & watched Vi after she was fever free.)

We talk about the virus. I understand this:

It's somehow Fith's Disease, which all my kids have had & it was never anything like this before. You catch it like any cold virus. I also understand that when someone asks me what she had, I can now say, "Parvo." & then the person will say, "I thought that was something dogs got?"

So . . .weird.

[caption id="attachment_982" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Sarah buzzing around & Violet coochie coo-ing"][/caption]

She's totally fine now. She tired easily for a few days but is back to lightening speed. Thank you all for comments & concern.

Counting My Blessings

[caption id="attachment_970" align="alignright" width="300" caption="My poor baby"][/caption]

 

103.2 *

2 thermomoters broken

1 thermomomter lost

1 bottle of Motrin Jr consumed

1/2 box of Tylenol Jr consumed

1/2 bottle of Sudafed Cold and Cough for Children consumed

1/3 box of Sudafed Melt -A-Way Strips consumed

Vomiting

uhm. . . other stuff

6 nights of nights sweats

2 doctor visits

1 E.R visit

1 IV

2 blood tests

2 rapid strep tests

6 days of fevers

6 nights of no sleep

6 days of no fighting with siblings

6 days of quiet

6 days of drawing and reading

1 mono test

1 negative mono test

Too many prayers by good friends to count

48  hours fever free

24 hours of amazing fighting with siblings

24 hours of no drawing, no reading, no quiet

24 hours of glorious normalcy

And counting

1 tired but happy mama

A Bitter, Yet Oh So Sweet Day

Two years ago a dear friend of mine called me. She said she was driving through the town where we taught in Michigan. When I asked why she was in Michigan she told me her brother had commited suicide.

I told her I was sorry. But I had to go. I had a thing to get to.

Really. 

I worked through some of the hardest, most shocking days of my teaching career with this woman. We met the week before our first day of teaching -- ever.

One day, very early on in our first year of teaching, I walked into her classroom and found her curled up next to one of her students, just talking to him. She calmly wiped the drool, gently blocked his spastic movements, laughed when he laughed, and I'm telling you right now -- they were having a full on conversation. I learned more in that one moment about teaching and loving children with severe mental impairments than I had in three classes and a five week practical.

Oh. And we dated the same boy. (And he was such a boy.) At the same time. Only at first we didn't know it.  And when I continued to date him ::head desk:: she didn't stop being my friend. Instead she helped me find an apartment in town and helped move me. We actually grew closer. I joined the same gym as her. We did aerobics together, went for long walks (oh sweet lord, those long walks with her long legs!), and after our marathon workouts we'd go to this great little ice cream hut and get a shake or cone. Totally makes sense.

When she was pregnant with her second, I was pregnant with John. When she was in early labor I was lucky enough to be on the phone with her. That right there is beyond awesome. John was born about two weeks after her second daughter.

So. Why did I say I had a 'thing' to get to?

Well, because I was at the height of my depression, and on my way into the hospital. I went to that 'thing,' only I remember very little about it. My friends, Mary, Kendall, and Carolyn tell me about that day every now and again. I honestly only remember bits and pieces.

I remember what I wore. (Because that's important.) And that I had to get Mary's house to borrow a Silpada ring. (Becasue, again, important.) I remember walking through Mary's house for the first time and having tunnel vision. I remember that I couldn't find my way there and it's two turns and five miles from my house.  I remember thinking, "I got this. Totally." Those friends now tell me they all thought, "What the fuck is wrong with Kim?" (That's word for word, all told to me without the knowldege of the other person. And these are all classy ladies, so don't go judging them for dropping the F-bomb. That's how messed up I was.)

That is so frightening. So very sad.

Mary actually tried to track me down, get me to go to lunch,  but I had gotten lost in the parking garage. For a half an hour.

On the way home I called my sister in law, Kerry and told her I was on the way home. Then I got in an accident. That I don't remember. NOT  because it was terrible and tramautic. It wasn't. It was just my van and the curb. I remember calling Kerry back and laughingly saying something like, "I won't be home! I just got in an accident!" And then thinking, "I don't know what to do." By the grace of God  a tow truck driver was following me. He knocked on my window and asked if I was OK. I do clearly remember looking at him and saying, "Yes. But I don't know what to do. I just don't  know. Should I call my husband?" And he must have walked me through what to do.

I don't remember anything else of that day.

The next morning my husband took me to the hospital.

Two months later I off handedly said, to my therapist, "And then I got into the accident. Wait. WHAT?"

I'd forgotten that I'd forgotten. How's that for messed up?

But today. Today is two years later. Today I will call my friend and tell her thank you. For still talking to me. For understanding. For giving me a second chance. For letting me explain why I didn't listen to her at the worst possible moment in her life. She, somehow, understands that I entering one of the worst possible moments in my life.

Today I will take care of my children. I will possibly paint, weed the garden and clean the kitchen.

Most importantly? I will remember this day.

And all the days that come after. I will remember the smiles and sighs, the laughs and cries. The 'I love you's' and 'How dare you's'.' I will remember the way John grabs our face and turns it towards him when wants something. I will remember the way Sarah screamed, "Today is the day! This is it!" When she got the news telling her she was going to be an angel in the Nutcracker this December. I will remember the way Violet beamed and said, "Thank you, Mom. I just love my nails and hair. I love you." After her spa and salon birthday party with her three best friends on Saturday. I will remember the way my husband makes chocolate appear every time I say, "I could go for some chocolate." and how I see love in his eyes when he looks at me. I will remember the amazing family and girlfriends I've surrounded myself with.

And now I have a phone call to make.

Childlike Love

I want to be as good as my children. I want to love like they love. I want to feel with such passion, the way they do.

On Saturday night I took Sarah and Violet to Unshakeable Kingdom: Japan Relief Concert. They were a little confused - I guess they thought Jeremiah was going to be singing songs off the radio. When I realized this I was amused. Because then I totally wanted to see Jerimiah rocking out to 'Fire Work' or doing his rendition of 'Mean.'

But that wasn't the type of music we were about to enjoy. We got to participate in a full on gospel concert. It.was.awesome. There were people "amen" - ing and "hallelujah" -ing and "praise the lord" ing left and right. They were dancing in the aisles and raising their hands to the Lord. Hips were swaying, heads were bobbing, hands were clapping. I was in heaven. Violet didn't know what to make of it. Our church is a bit more . . . reserved. When the first guy stood up and raised his hands, Sarah asked me what he was doing. I told her he was worshiping Jesus, just like we do, but in a very joyful way. And that she could join in. Her little hands shot into the air right away.

In between performances there were video's of the earthquake and subsequent tsunami in Japan. Violet and Sarah watched and actually asked quite a few questions. They listened to Jeremiah talk about why he doing this concert and they understood. On March 11, Jeremiah was at the airport getting ready to board an airplane to Japan when the earthquake hit. He was a missionary there for 2 years and was getting ready to go back to see some of his Campus Crusade For Christ friends. So this tragedy has touched Jeremiah in a very personal way. And this concert was his way of giving back.  (In case you haven't realized it yet, Jerimiah is an incredible guy. I didn't fully understand just what a great, compassionate, kind man he was until the night of the concert. )

[caption id="attachment_815" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Sarah, Jerimiah, Violet"][/caption]

Sunday afternoon Sarah was watching Scooby Doo when she suddenly jumped up, ran into the kitchen and said to me, "Mom, we need to help Japan." I told her that we had helped Japan, we'd gone to the concert and given a donation to Jeremiah. He'd make sure the money got to Japan. Then I walked away.

Monday morning at breakfast she stopped eating, looked at Violet and said, "Violet, we have to help Japan. People there don't have houses." Then she and Violet started talking about the video's they'd seen with Jeremiah. About the people who don't have homes, or food. About his friends who are taking trucks full of food to people. About the shaking and the big wave.

Then Sarah said, "Mom, I need to go to Japan."

I explained that she couldn't go to Japan, but that Jeremiah would take the money we'd given him and get food and clothing to the people who needed it. She told me we needed to give Jeremiah more money. I was busy doing dishes. There was cereal everywhere. I said, "Sarah, I don't have any more money to give Jeremiah or Japan. We gave at the concert."

She sat down, played with her bowl, then looked over at her 'Disney Jar.' It's a jar she's been saving all her money in for the last six months or so. She's saving up for Disney World. She hopped down, grabbed her jar and had me empty almost all of it.
Violet followed her with the money she's been saving to get a DS.

John sat there with his fingers in his mouth shaking his head.

We took the money to Jeremiah right then. On the way there I asked Sarah why we were doing this. Why were we giving Jeremiah this money? She told me she had to give Jeremiah the money because Japan needed it, the people needed houses.

And because God tells us to help

.
I want to be as good as my children.

Sweet Brady

On March 28, 2002 my dear friend, Carolyn, lost her 2 1/2 son, Brady, to Aplastic Anemia. Brady was among the first people in the country to receive his own cord blood in a transfusion. This was cutting edge technology in 2002. Since his untimely death, Carolyn and her husband, Andy have started The Brady Kohn Foundation in an effort to educate the public on the importance of cord blood.

Thanks to them, thanks to Brady, women in Delaware can donate their umblical cord blood. Donate. It's life giving. It's used to treat over 70 diseases right now. If not donated it's simply washed down the drain.

Working with the Brady Kohn Foundation, I was able to donate Sarah and John's cord blood. Hero's at birth, my friends.

AND, in case you are reading this wondering about stem cells and all the controversy that goes along with it? These stem cells are NOT EMBRYONIC. They CANNOT BE COAXED INTO LIFE. This is just pure, unadulterated, good stuff. I can't put it any simpler.

Friends, you've shown me so much support. You've read about my deepest, darkest moments. I'm asking you to show just a little more and visit our website here to read about Brady today, on the anniversary of his leaving us. You can learn more about what we do over there on our site. You can also click on my tab 'umbilical cord blood.'