Hormonal Imbalances: On My Blog!

I have a guest blogger here today. She's not blogging at her own place today because (wait for it) she is here.at.my.house. Diana from Hormonal Imbalances is having a little vacation down memory lane, coming to see me, (and my husband, he's known her family since before she was born) and then hitting the BlogHer writing conference in NYC. What could be more perfect than that? You all know I adore and respect Diana - she's the reason I started blogging. She's the first blog I ever read. She's my 'Heir to Blair,' my 'Dooce.' And she's right here. Probably in my van as you read this. (that noise you hear? Me. Losing my mind.)

A Day In MollyWood: On My Blog!

I 'found' molly via Twitter when I had been blogging about a month. I read her post, "The Lost Year" and was blown away. I knew. I understood. I fell in absolute love with he. The first time I saw her in my comments? I sat and stared at my screen for about two minutes in complete shock. We've gotten to know each other a little since then and she's a wonderful, wonderful woman. When she agreed to guest post for me I did a big ole funky dance around my kitchen, I'm not going to lie.

Kim, who has always been one of my biggest supporters, asked me to write a guest post on what it’s like to blog about living with mental illness. For a few weeks I lingered in writer’s block every time I tried to think of what to write. Then a common little saying popped into my head.

 

The benefit outweighs the risk.

 

This was said to me when I was 21 weeks pregnant with my second son. I needed to be medicated due to a bad case of antenatal depression. I cried to my OB telling her that it couldn’t be good for the baby.

 

She looked straight at me and answered, “Neither is a mom who can’t take care of herself while she’s pregnant or after her baby is born. The benefit outweighs the risk.”

 

She was absolutely right. Soon Brigham was born and it was one of the most memorable and blissful times of my life. The benefit most definitely outweighed the risk.

 

I think the same could be said of blogging about depression.

 

I understand the risks. Every time I write a post about depression I know more people will read it than any other posts I write. It is easily reflected in my blog stats. I get sad and the readers, they come a running. I would like to believe that they are there because they worry about me or they want to learn more about it. But I’m sure some of it is the ambulance-chaser mentality. Watching people falter is fun for some people.

 

The risks grew as my family members and friends started reading my blog. Even my mom reads it now! I used to share stories of my most difficult times only to the strangers who stumbled upon my blog. Now people I know and love read the words I write. Worrying them is never my intention. Writing is my outlet. It is the way I repair what is broken. It makes me happy and helps me heal. I know they understand that.

 

Blogging about something so personal means I have to moderate comments. It is sad but I have received a few hateful anonymous comments that if published would erupt into a catfight below my post. I don’t want that negativity on my blog so those go straight to the blog landfill.

 

One of the worst comments I ever received said that I needed to “shut the f**k up” about my depression and write about something else. They told me no one cares about it. Best believe that went unpublished. But it didn’t stop me from wondering if this person was right.

 

 

It can be risky to share so much. But for every hateful comment I receive there are also beautiful and uplifting emails sent to me each and every time I post about my struggles.

 

This email was sent to me after pressing publish on one of the most difficult posts I have ever written involving suicidal thoughts.

 

I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. I am sitting at work reading your blog and having a weird "I wasn't the only one" feeling. Mostly because I know that girl. You are brave and strong and truly inspirational. And yes you do deserve to hear that.

 

Every time I wonder if I’ve shared too much and contemplate quitting I receive an email like the one above. The feeling that I’ve helped someone else in some small way makes me feel like I made the right decision to blog about a taboo subject.

I know talking about mental illness makes some people uncomfortable. But it breaks my heart that many people struggle even more because they feel they aren’t allowed to share it. They are afraid of being made fun of or afraid to be seen as weak or psycho.

 

I don’t blame them. I used to be afraid.

 

But being open about mental illness helps me and it seems to help others too. As long as that’s the case I will keep it up. I will continue writing because the benefit outweighs the risk.

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Straight Talk: On My Blog!

I've been reading Jess at Straight Talk Jess for over a year. And I love her. Like, I want to go to Texas and hang out with her and her kids, go shopping, grab a Starbucks, have some lunch, go to a movie have a great big girlie sleep over, love her. Or something like that. Anyway. She's all kinds of cool. She blogs about everything from running to mommy issues to being a working mom. She's always interesting. And she's here.  (That? Is the sound of me jumping up and down like a teen ager. And going *squeeee!*)

Great Expectations.
 
I had my Allie on May 31st. Just in time for my Ave to get out of school for summer vacation. New mom and an almost six-year-old at home in the hottest Texas summer on record. SCORE!  That’s not a good combo when you can’t go outside after 10:00 in the morning and you can’t walk to the car without sweating your already leaky boobs off. 
 
By the end of the summer, I was starting to feel anxious and depressed.  I was terrified PPD was rearing its ugly head.  I couldn’t take being at home anymore. I was starting to get edgy on simple shopping trips.
 
I love my girls to pieces, but I was consumed that I was a fail in the healthy eating, arts & crafts, and “not watching tv or iPod for 8 hours a day” department.  Because I was.
 
I went back to work at 12 weeks on the day Ava started kinder—she loves it, by the way.  Allie went to daycare.  It has been fantastic (other than the colds they both got the first week of being at school/daycare).  I feel human again.  I get dressed up, I get to read my favorite blogs, and I get to interact with the real world. I do my job and I’m good at it.
 
But wait.  It’s not that easy, right? Nope.
 
Cue the guilt.  I felt guilty that I couldn’t handle being at home.  I feel guilty baby girl is at daycare with “strangers” for 9 hours a day.  I feel guilty that some nights I’m so damn tired that frozen chicken strips and ramen noodles is a perfectly acceptable meal for my daughter and dinner involves tortillas and hamburger meat, again.  My kitchen? The laundry? The dirty floors? To quote the fabulous Diana, ::head explosion::
 
Guilt. Guilt. GUILT.
 
But you know what? It’s what works for us, for me.  I can’t stay home and I like being at work.  Why should I feel guilty about it?  My girls are happy and so are we.
 
At some point you have to step back, put your big girl panties on and get over it.  Yes, it is exhausting working all day, managing a three-month-old, a five-year-old, and a household (and a husband).  Paying too much attention to the happy go lucky mamas out there that make staying home sound like heaven will make everyone else feel bad.   
 
My kitchen isn’t nearly as clean as it should be.  My floors don’t sparkle.  Our clothes *might* be in laundry baskets or piles, whatever same thing.  Doesn’t matter.  We’ve got clean clothes to wear and food in our bellies.  The fact that there’s a mess along the way is insignificant.  Like I say, “as long as I can walk without falling over,” the house is a win.
 
Do I wish things were different? Sometimes.  But at the end of the day, I’m happy with the way things are. I like working.  I’ve ordered a new planner so I can stop forgetting everything that I’m supposed to be doing. Slowly I’m learning to let go of unrealistic expectations and start accepting that the rest of that doesn’t matter. 
 
Till I get the hang of that, I’m sure there will be many long stress-relieving runs along the way.  And probably some wine, cupcakes and pizza. #FTW

Daddy Runs A lot: On My Blog!

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An 'Easy' Blog

A friend of mine just started a blog and truly loves it. She's a great writer and has an amazing story to share. And I can't tell you what it is because she's asked me to keep her identity a secret for this. See, she's . . . frustrated. She wrote this and sent it to me. It cracked me up and I said I'd put it up and see what you all had to say.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm A Blog Whore

I've been with my blog for a year now, but I'm not exclusive. I yearn for the guest post. I crave followers.  I want new people to see me, to want me.

In the dead of night, I sneak out and visit other blogs. Blogs not on my blog roll. Blogs not on google reader. I read and read until I find those writers who make me smile and laugh. Those that me feel special. I leave them comments and love. I follow them, knowing that I want more of what they have. And then I wait in anticipation, just hoping for some attention.

And then . . . it happens. I see them. They come by. I see them on my stats. I see them looking around. My pulse races as their eyes wander.  My heart pounds when I see they have left a comment. My breath comes fast as I read what they thought about my post. Will they like me? Will they stay? Will they . . . come back? Will they want more?

They leave beautiful, soft comments. Comments that make me smile, that make my eyes sparkle and my cheeks blush. And then, just as quickly as they have come . . . they are gone.

Because, I am a blog whore.

Or, I suck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was dying as I read this. What do you guys think? And NO, I'm not telling you who she is.

Guest Blogger: Rose

I found Rose over at Not There Yet a few months ago, and have so enjoyed following her story. When I first started reading her blog she was not 'There yet.' But today she is! It was so exciting to read along as she suspected she was preggers, then tested, then tested again . . . it's brought back so many wonderful memories. She's expecting and due in May! It's been really cool to see pregnancy through someone elses eyes for the first time. I hope you enjoy her post, here. I know I did!

When Kim asked me to be a write a guest post for her blog - I was beyond flattered. Not only is this my first guest post, I but I have never considered myself a writer - not compared to some of these amazing story teller bloggin' mommies out there. But, I thought I would give it a go and I am very grateful to Kim for the opportunity!

How can there be so many ways to do the same thing?

Each pregnancy and birth is different. That is the on going mantra that is repeated over and over again on a baby board I keep up with, http://community.babycenter.com/    
We are all different. Our bodies are shaped different. Our morning sickness symptoms will be different. Our weight gain will be different. Our doctors will be different. Our DH/SO will respond differently. But, let me tell you, there are over 6,000 members to this group. This ONE group that I belong to. This group that only includes woman who are expecting a baby in May 2011. The women FLOCK there for support. To find someone that has a shared experience with them. To calm their fears, their worries, their concerns. The issues range from gender prediction to help dealing with an over-bearing MIL. These woman are reaching out to find someone - ANYONE - who can relate to their situation. In a group of 6,000 woman, they are hoping to find ONE that can relate. ONE.

Again, I ask, how can there be so many ways to do the same thing? Isn't there just one right way and we move forward from there?

As my new friend at the cloth diaper store said when I expressed essentially the same question when asking about the millions of different cloth diaper brands, "You know how you and your best friend probably wear different types of jeans - it's the same thing!"

For instance, I have a friend that had her first daughter this past January. She has been very supportive of DH and I expanding our family - our biggest cheerleader, actually. She and I grew up together in a small town and have always had a lot in common with each other. In fact, she is one of the few people from my childhood that I keep in touch with. I stood in her wedding. A year later, she traveled quite a distance to attend mine. I am pregnant about one year after her. We both love to eat out, have long talks on the phone to catch up and, of course, red wine! I knew that she was exclusively breast-feeding her baby, which is also my intention. I was looking forward to learning a lot from her about this baby rearing stuff!

After we made it to 12 weeks, I got in touch with her, sharing the happy news, of course, but also asking her about her top baby items that she can not do without (I have already begun working on my registry!). She responded quickly and had obviously spent some time on the email - including links directly to the items that she was suggesting. Here is an excerpt from that email:

I breastfed/pumped for 6 1/2 months and then couldn't fathom doing it anymore. It's incredible, wonderful, all the things that you want it to be (at least it was for me). My life just got too hectic to make sure I was home pumping. Plus I made tons of milk so my boobs were always full. NOT complaining, but it was a bit of a free feeling when I decided to stop. Miss the bonding though! I used Medela Freestyle. Loved it because it's hands-free and thought that was fantastic. I would stick it in my pocket and move on with my day...laundry, email, cleaning, etc. It has all of these contraptions to attach to your nursing bra. I wouldn't even deal with that. You need this bra and you'll be all set. http://www.buybuybaby.com/product.asp?SKU=113745&

I am very grateful for this suggestion and I AM SURE, for a lot of mothers, this bra is a god-send. But, not 24 hours before I received this email, DH and I were ruthlessly making fun of this device. It is just not for us... Other suggestions were for a vibrating bouncer seat, a nightlight thing to hang over the crib, a diaper genie and a snap and go. Of all the items that she suggested, the items that she CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT, I am interested in one of them. ONE.

I find that to be highly interesting. How many variations of caring for your newborn can there be? Essentially it is the same act and we all want the same outcome - a healthy, happy baby. Simple right?

I guess it is all depends on how you choose to get there...

Happy decision making mommies!

Best

Rose

What baby gadget did you desperately think you need then never use? Or never thought you'd need then want with all your heart?

Guest Blogger: Hormonal Imbalances

Have you ever read someones blog and thought, "I must be friends with this woman."? I totally thought that when I started reading Diana's blog, Hormonal Imbalances. She's intelligent, witty, humble and wise. She looks at life with such a unique view point that I was captured instantly. She also has a wicked sense of humor and makes the keenest observations. The more I read her blog the more I wanted to meet her. I knew we would be fast friends. I knew we'd laugh and giggle like teenagers. That we'd share jokes about our husbands, trade parenting advice. And I was right. How did I convince someone from the blogosphere to actually meet me?? Well, you see, my husband has actually known Diana since she was just a wee bump in her mama's belly :)  So when I went all kinds of crazy for Diana and her blog, I kind of had an 'in' with her already. At the beginning of November my husband and I went to Colorado and Diana and I finally got to meet. Oh, the fun we had! She is beyond awesome. So funny. So fun!  Diana taught me all sorts of bloggy things. And we really talked. I'm healing from depression, and meeting people who know that is hard. She knows. She also knew my story before we 'met.' So I was scared. But she wrapped me in a big hug and said, "So, do we look like you expected?" Then plopped her baby in my arms. Did I mention it was awesome? And now she's agreed to be my first ever guest blogger! After you read her post here, hop on over to her blog,  Hormonal Imbalances. It's all about navigating life as a first time stay at home mom, triumphing over reflux and making friends in  a new city (they just moved). All mixed in with her wicked eye for observation and self examination. You won't be disappointed.

When I met me.

There are many times in my life I wished for a different personality. One that was calmer, more in touch with themselves, a gentle spirit that was always volunteering or giving back to the community. Someone who attended charity balls, dinner parties and cared about looking put together.

I’ve often wished I didn’t blurt out things so quickly without thinking first, or find really childish things still funny. Like someone named Charles Poos on Facebook. (I’m sorry buddy.) I can quote lines from The Office like nobody‘s business, I’ve never thrown a dinner party. I own 1 pair of high heels. I have no idea if they fit anymore.

I’ve had people tell me they think I‘m great, or lately since I’ve been blogging - wished they could meet me in person. My first thought is always, “Why?” I’m afraid people I do get to know initially that like me will tire of me soon enough.

It seems as if at times I embarrass some of my friends - I’m not one to pretend to have it all together or be a great wife and mother, and that may irk people in certain situations. Feeling that way has made it so that I walk on eggshells to avoid truly being me.

For years, I’d hear of Kim - yep, Kim from this blog. My mom talked about her a lot, always ending with, “And she’s just so much fun Diana. You’ll love her.”

So when I finally did get to meet her, it was with great anticipation of someone I’d heard about, then talked to, and then read about. I already liked her, but wasn’t sure what to expect from IRL Kim.

We spent the evening chatting on blogging (I was in heaven), babies, cloth diapers, and sharing reflux stories. I sat at the table and listened to her crack up at things and voice her opinion on topics she cared about. She was quick witted, easy going, frank and practical. Had I come in and pretended to be someone else, I have no doubt she would have figured it out and squashed the fakeness like a bug.

I thought to myself, “I really like her. A lot. You just feel like you know her and she knows you as soon as you meet.”

It was then a realization hit me - what if that’s how some people felt about me? Not that I’m Kim, or she’s me - but maybe the feeling of really and truly liking someone for who they were; no pretense, no airs, no fakeness in Kim. I liked her because she was simply herself and you could tell that.

I began to see my personality in a different light after meeting her. I was proud that I had an opinion, ok with the fact that sometimes I blurt out something everyone else thinks should be kept private. My life isn’t perfect, I’m a little porky, my kid used to barf 120x a day, my husband is a recovering alcoholic, and we have no money. But I’m happy, in love, content with life, and learning to not have to control everything. And all of that makes up me.

Meeting her made me realize I can be me - and some people will like me and some people won’t. And that’s ok. I have to stop caring about or pretending to fit in a certain mold that I’ve placed myself into in hopes everyone will like me. Only not me.

After all, I blog that way - why shouldn’t I live like it too?