I baked the cakes on Friday night, and put the turkey my husband wanted for his birthday dinner, in the 'turkey bucket' to brine. I.was.prepared. Clams? Check. Crusty bread? Check. Favorite rolls? Check. (bread for the clam juice. Rolls for dinner) Mashed potatoes? Check. Ready to make gravy? Check. Again, I.was.prepared.
[caption id="attachment_396" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="Kids w/'their' pirate cake"]
[/caption]Saturday morning I made the cake. Oh, my. I was up to elbows in frosting, both hands covered in it, and fingers colored red. I had no idea how to frost it, having never frosted a cake that was standing on end before. The kids thought it was hilarious, me all covered in frosting.
Saturday morning we discovered that the turkey hadn't thawed completely. I made a frantic call to my mother in law, asking how to thaw it enough to get the giblets out. While shooting daggers at my husband, because why hadn't he thawed the turkey sooner?? OK, crisis averted, turkey thawed and put in the oven.
But, I turned the oven OFF. And didn't notice for two hours. TWO hours. When I discovered this I didn't use a single special word, not a single one. I turned the oven ON and set the thermometer. Cooked the stupid bird.
The timer went off, telling me the internal temperature had been reached. I took the turkey out and we started making the gravy. Then I heard these words, from my sister in law: "Did you use red apples to stuff the turkey?" I said, I had, why? Because the turkey juices were tinged red. Well, it was obviously from the red skins.
Right. We carried on, making graving. Husband began carving the bird. Elaine, picking at the crunchy, perfectly cooked skin that I had rubbed with a mixture of kosher salt, pepper, sage and rosemary. She dumped the juices into the gravy pot and I noticed they were really red. A few minutes later I looked over at my fruit corner. And then I looked at my apples. They were yellow. Special words, people. Very, very special words flew through my head. I turned to see my husband, struggling with the bird, and Chris and Elaine peering at it very nastily.
[caption id="attachment_399" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="Not red apple juice. Not at all."]
[/caption]Because it was bleeding. Damn it damn it damn it.
Initially we put the turkey back in the oven. But really? No, just. . .no. Dinner was instead all the fixings for a full on turkey dinner without the turkey.
[caption id="attachment_398" align="alignright" width="150" caption="Dead bird."]
[/caption]Oh, and because we'd spent all this time waiting for the turkey to cook, then re-cooking it? The rolls I'd put out to thaw and rise? Had once again grown into mutant rolls. Only even bigger than before, if you can believe that.
[caption id="attachment_397" align="aligncenter" width="150" caption="Mutant rolls. Again."]
[/caption]We drank a lot of wine and beer after this, hoping to kill the bacteria we possibly consumed.
And what birthday is complete without a new gun and target practice?
[caption id="attachment_403" align="aligncenter" width="150" caption="Because every birthday needs a little target practice."]
[/caption]My husband really did have a wonderful birthday. Honest. We'll laughing about this for years. And I got a message from Elaine on Tuesday: 72 hours out and no sign of food poisoning.
So, it's all good. :)
I've never even attempted to cook a whole turkey before so the fact that you were doing that and making gravy and that you made that awesome pirate cake is more than impressive! And if you're like me, I've gotten to the point now that whenever something goes wrong, my first thought is, "well, at least I have something interesting to blog about!" ;)
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly what I thought as the disaster was unfolding! Something positive had to come of it!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh. Major kudos to you for going to all that trouble and then not getting to eat the dang turkey! I would have been spraying the kitchen with special words at that point.
ReplyDeleteLOL! Sorry honey. But I still think those mutant rolls are awesome. And the cake came out great too!
ReplyDeleteAnd turkeys are usually not a big deal, but this time? ugh. We almost ordered Chinese food. I just read your post -- were you using special words as you cleaned up THAT mess?? ;)
ReplyDeleteMy husband was pretty happy with the mutant rolls! Maybe my mutant rolls will be my signature dish from now on! That cake turned out to be a hit -- the kids thought it was great. My husband loves to talk like a pirate, so they thought a pirate themed party was grand.
ReplyDeleteI'm new to your blog(from Diana's) and I love it! Your honesty and candid approach to life is refreshing.
ReplyDeleteThis story reminds me of our Thanksgiving. I think everyone needs to have a raw turkey cooking experience once in their life. :)
Wow, there's never an uneventful moment at your house there? LOVE the rolls...and happy noone got sick.
ReplyDeleteAre you saying you had a raw turkey at Thanksgiving?? Oh, do tell, do tell!! Thanks for coming over -- isn't Diana awesome?
ReplyDeleteKaren, with these 3 kids and my husband, can we have a calm moment?? All I need to do is start dressing my animals in clothing like other people I know and I'll really have a story to tell! :)
ReplyDeleteHa ha, that does make for a pretty fun story to tell! Turkeys are like that, I tell ya! They are no longer welcome in my oven. Nuh-uh! Great job on the pirate cake!!
ReplyDeleteKim, that's the best. Cake looked good. Guess that decorating class we went to helped.
ReplyDelete:) My first time cooking a turkey was for Thanksgiving. I clearly didn't understand the amount of time this bird required. Had to eat much, much later to avoid food poisoning!! We can laugh now...
ReplyDeleteDiana is so great. She brightens my days with her posts.
Very impressed that you didn't spray the kitchen with special words.. I am a non-swearing type and I think I totally would have at that moment, that and cried.
ReplyDeleteSorry it didn't turn out, but like you said makes for a very memorable birthday-and something funny to blog about :)
Kim,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your sweet comment on my blog! So glad to have you around. My sweet baby died shortly after birth. His story is here, and is a mixture of hope and sadness, but mostly hope, if you want to read it.
http://www.mamajulep.com/2010/06/for-sean.html
Peace,
Kathy (aka: MamaJulep)
Kathy, as soon as I left that comment I found your post about Sean. It was beautiful and sad and full of grace and hope. I left a comment, there as well.
ReplyDeleteTrish, I wasn't able to use all the 'techniques' we learned b/c I was running so late. So I was bummed! But thanks!
ReplyDeleteyeah, I don't typically swear either, but let me tell you, if ever a time called for some big ole special word usage . . . :)
ReplyDeleteYou deserve kudos just for attempting all that! No, way would I have tried to do that cake -- it looks awesome!
ReplyDeleteJodi
(Mother Hen, on the other hand, is aghast that you committed turkeycide, and is trying to recover from the shock.)
Uhm, it was a tofurkey? Really? :)
ReplyDeleteEven Mother Hen knows that tofu turkeys don't bleed! Nice try!
ReplyDelete