Babies surround me.
My sister in law.
A neighbor.
Two blogging friends.
Two women at church.
A distant friend.
I may have missed a few.
I'm in a knitting frenzy, excited about all these precious heads I have to cover. About little arms that need a sweet sweater to cuddle in.
I am also jealous. To tears.
When I hear the news, unending joy wells in my heart. It literally sings with it. I actually screamed with happiness the other day when I found out, jumped up and down in glee. I am truly, truly happy for these women in my life.
Truly.
But after they leave me, after I sign off the computer/my iphone, the tears come.
For I am jealous. Jealous of that babe taking hold in their womb, growing and stretching, touching their heart, like I've never been jealous before. Even when we lost our babies in between Violet and Sarah, and then Sarah and John, I wasn't this jealous. I just knew we'd have more.
But we're not having more. It's not possible.
And so my actual soul seems to break in two.
Logically, as I watch my kids wash their own hands, run around and be self sufficient, as I knit and blog on a daily basis, I know that I am enjoying this new phase in my life. My kids are independent. I get warm hugs and then they go upstairs while I clean the kitchen -- actually clean it.
But what I crave?
A warm, soft newborn, heavy at my breast, tenderly pulling. That milky sweet smell and the small twitches they make as they sleep. The sudden yank of the arms over head. The perfect pucker of rosebud lips. The satisfied sigh and small burp of a full belly. A giggling baby just learned to roll over, or totally pissed because she's suddenly on her back and she want's to be on her belly. Chubby legs hanging out of a Johnny Jumper as they jump and giggle, turn and spin. Glee as first Cheerio's find their way into a waiting mouth. A first hug.
I could go on forver.
I yearn.
And yet, I begrudge my friends not a thing. Not a thing. I celebrate with them, cannot wait to feel this new life move, to hold and love on it. To help when I can (and back off when I can't).
Somewhere, sometime I will find the balance. Until then I keep thinking that I'm being surrounded by babies for a reason. Because God is aware of my struggle and want, so He must be putting in this situation with a purpose in mind. Hopefully it will be revealed soon.
I understand your feelings.
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you. I truly enjoy my kids and their independence and all the fun things we can do now that they are not babies... but I would take another baby in a second.
ReplyDeleteThink of me tomorrow, when my "baby" goes off to all day kindergarten and I am home alone for the first time in 13 years!! I'll definitely be thinking of babies then!
Awwwwwww honey. What a crappy situation to be in. But please know that you are welcome to hold my baby ANYTIME. Love you and your honesty. And just think, you get the uniquely beautiful opportunity of being a fantastic aunt to all these lovely babies. And at the end of the day/week/trip etc you get to give them back and enjoy a full night's sleep.
ReplyDeleteWow. Reading this makes me yearn for another and I usually don't feel that way. I do miss those baby days though...as hard as they were, I still miss them. I think probably all good mothers do.
ReplyDelete((Hugs))
oh hon. can't imagine this feeling. Though i know i too will go through the struggle. my H insists this one is the last. Only 2. both boys. No daughters. I know it will be hard for me, but I also know that I've been blessed. abundantly.
ReplyDeletesending love. this is a hard jealousy to feel. xxo
ReplyDeleteThank you, Devan.
ReplyDeleteI know I've been blessed, but we always said 4, so it's incredibly hard to not feel as though I'm not done. Even though, yes, you're right, we feel blessed every moment. Such a struggle.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the hugs :)
ReplyDeleteYou know I'm taking you up on this, right??? And thank you.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking of you! How did it go?
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard!
ReplyDeleteDuffy & I went through some unexplained infertility issues for a few years. In those years, all of her friends were getting pregnant. My sister got pregnant on her honeymoon, and she wasn't even trying to get pregnant.
ReplyDeleteIt would get to the point where I'd actually cringe any time someone called the house, because she couldn't even get off the phone before the tears fell.
Is it biological or financial that you can't have any more children? Because, as an adoptive and biological father, the only difference in the prior is that there is no difference, other than the whole "not being pregnant."
My husband and I made it permanent after we had John that we'd have no more . . . and with my history of depression . . . well. And he honestly feels complete with our family. We'd have no problem adopting, were we not 'done.' It's a difficult, difficult place to be.
ReplyDeleteWe took a huge risk after our son was born with cystic fibrosis in having our daughter. I believed that God wasn't going to give us anything that we couldn't handle, but when she was born healthy, I knew that I had asked for enough. I had a feeling that another healthy baby was too much to ask for.
ReplyDeleteI wanted more children. I went through the same emotions that you are feeling now. I used to say that visiting a maternity ward was hazardous to my health!
Now my daughter is my only. It makes me sad that after being so close to her brother that she has to go on without a sibling, but I am so glad that she is in the world, and that I trusted God enough to have her.
Jodi
You are a beautiful wonderful person and I am sad reading this, but so glad to know you. I think nursing is one of my favorite things, so I understand.
ReplyDeleteCome squish on my baby anytime you'd like
Thank's Jess. you're wee one is so cute, I'd love to love on her.
ReplyDeleteJodi, you're strength never ceases to amaze me. Never.
ReplyDelete