Sunday, August 14, 2011

Oh Baby!

Babies surround me.

My sister in law.

A neighbor.

Two blogging friends.

Two women at church.

A distant friend.

I may have missed a few.

I'm in a knitting frenzy, excited about all these precious heads I have to cover. About little arms that need a sweet  sweater to cuddle in.

I am also jealous. To tears.

When I hear the news, unending joy wells in my heart. It literally sings with it. I actually screamed with happiness the other day when I found out, jumped up and down in glee. I am truly, truly happy for these women in my life.

Truly.

But after they leave me, after I sign off the computer/my iphone, the tears come.

For I am jealous. Jealous of that babe taking hold in their womb, growing and stretching, touching their heart, like I've never been jealous before. Even when we lost our babies in between Violet and Sarah, and then Sarah and John, I wasn't this jealous. I just knew we'd have more.

But we're not having more. It's not possible.

And so my actual soul seems to break in two.

Logically, as I watch my kids wash their own hands, run around and be self sufficient, as I knit and blog on a daily basis, I know that I am enjoying this new phase in my life. My kids are independent. I get warm hugs and then they go upstairs while I clean the kitchen -- actually clean it.

But what I crave?

A warm, soft newborn, heavy at my breast, tenderly pulling. That milky sweet smell and the small twitches they make as they sleep. The sudden yank of the arms over head. The perfect pucker of rosebud lips. The satisfied sigh and small burp of a full belly. A giggling baby just learned to roll over, or totally pissed because she's suddenly on her back and she want's to be on her belly. Chubby legs hanging out of a Johnny Jumper as they jump and giggle, turn and spin. Glee as first Cheerio's find their way into a waiting mouth. A first hug.

I could go on forver.

I yearn.

And yet, I begrudge my friends not a thing. Not a thing. I celebrate with them, cannot wait to feel this new life move, to hold and love on it. To help when I can (and back off when I can't).

Somewhere, sometime I will find the balance. Until then I keep thinking that I'm being surrounded by babies for a reason. Because God is aware of my struggle and want, so He must be putting in this situation with a purpose in mind. Hopefully it will be revealed soon.