Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Stepford? Possibly.

Diana at Hormonal Imbalances wrote a post on Monday that got people crazy mad. It was about how being a good, attentive, present mom does not mean you have a dirty house.

*gasp*

I agree.

 And I have to say that I haven't stopped thinking about that post and the reaction she received -- or the long talk we had on the phone about it -- since then. 

I remembered this quote while on the phone with Diana:

I didn't go to college to clean house


And while I pretty much agree, well, then again, I don't, completely.


I kind of did go to college to stay home and clean. And raise my children. Going to college educated me. Afforded me the ability to be an independent and intelligent woman who met an independent and intelligent man, was able to converse with him about mutually important issues. He is a highly  educated attorney and has the same wants/standards as I do.  Because of my education and degree (and yes, it's a great degree, thankyouverymuch) I was given opportunities that allowed me to meet other people who had similar educations as I did, such as my husband. Who I then married. And have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom.  NO I'm not saying I went to college for my MRS. degree. I was long out of college when I met my husband.  And  I'm not saying that if you didn't go to college you don't get to stay home.

Also, If my husband works all day, in some ways, shouldn't I as well? If I'm not cleaning, as so many women seem to feel this is below them or they are too busy, what else should I be doing? Completely and actively engaged with the children every single minute of every day? Or getting "me" time? Blogging, texting, chatting, surfing, tweeting? I don't think so. I should be taking care of my home.  Not that I should slave and clean and make us live in a museum. But I believe that part of my job -because I believe that is what this is, my job - is to keep a clean a house. Cook my family nice meals (for the most part. I'm not saying noodles and butter don't grace our table.) Make sure the laundry is done. You can't eat off my floors. But you don't stick to them either. My priority is this family, this home. Why else would we - myself and my husband - have chosen to have me stay home?

And yes, I play with my children.

All.the.time.

We do crafts. Paint. Color. Dress up. Dance. Sing. Laugh. If you follow me on Instagram you saw John's StarBucks car not long ago. You saw my dinning room table on Friday when the kids were off school. I was a teacher for five years before I became a stay at home mom, So trust me when I say I know how to get my craft on.

My children are my first priority. Always. And if it's between them and dusting, I'll always chose them. However, making them my priority also means that they have a clean house and good meals.

I love my job. I love that it allows me all the time in the world to spend with and on my children. I love the time it affords me to spend on my home, organizing, cleaning and making it just the way I want it

I consider myself blessed and privileged to be a stay at home mom. It's my job. And I do my best at my job.

Now. Before you go getting all crazy mad here, realize that I am not judging you. I am judging myself. These are my standards. Your standards at your house? Your deal. Not mine. Now, if you come to my house and judge me? Decide that because my house is somewhat clean, or happens to be cleaner than yours and that I'm not a good mom? Oh, then the I will bring the judgement.

12 comments:

  1. As a full-time working mom, I have a to make a judgement call. Play with my kids or clean my house. My kids always win. At least that's during the week. I spend much of my weekend cleaning the house, because like you, I feel like a clean house is a priority as well. However, my "Clean" and your "clean" are probably completely different. ;-)

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  2. I hate cleaning house. Hate it. I don't really know anyone who finds the actual act of cleaning fun though, but the rewards are awesome.

    Today, my dishes are piled high. But my bathrooms are clean, laundry is mostly done, my living room is clean & I clean Lboy's room on a daily basis. I like his room to be organized, toys to be put away, his bed to be made. My bedroom is clean, the bed isn't made (cause I'm still in it! ha!) but it's clean none the less.

    When it comes to cleaning, I don't feel like I stayed home to be a housewife, I stayed home to be a mom. Now, I'm with you, I don't think it's fair that Todd goes to work 12 hours a day & then comes home to a messy house. I'm also with Diana, I don't think my kid needs to grow up in a messy house & he has to learn how to clean up after himself. I'm not his slave & he can't go to college not knowing how to take care of himself. I do my best & heck, I don't want to live in a messy house. I get so anxious & stressed out when my house is cluttered & messy. I hate being at home, so I don't like feeling like that so I clean it, whether I like it or not.

    My mom was psycho (in a good way) about cleaning, but she knew how to balance choosing activities with her kids versus scrubbing floors. She grew up with a mom who was not attentive to a clean house (she wasn't a very good mother) so my mom always swore her children wouldn't live in a messy house. Add 5 kids to the mix & there are just some things you can't control. Were our bathrooms always clean? Floors always mopped? Yes. We all had daily & weekly chores. But, toys were every where with 5 kids. We did a family pick up 2 times a day so that we always went to bed with a decluttered house & woke up to a clean slate (Todd & I try to do 1 a day together after Lboy goes to bed.) But like any mother knows, add 1 toy bucket & 5 kids to the scenario & it's going to get hectic fast.

    Now that my mom doesn't have kids at home to pick up after, her house sparkles!

    There are some days where I choose between doing the dishes over making sure we make it to the park. Some days, I choose the park/library/pumpkin patch/whatever over cleaning. I think it's all about balance.

    Gosh, I hope I made sense since I practically wrote a blog post. :) Diana always has good posts that get people thinking, whether you agree with what she has to say or not. I agree with most of what she had to say since she was talking about her personal situation. But I think that a person has to make sure they think about someone else's situation as well & know that not all of us have the same stuff going on in our lives. I'm not a good housekeeper, I have to try really, really hard. It comes to some people so naturally.

    I have a friend whose house is ALWAYS company ready. I have no idea how she does it. I usually need about 15 minutes warning before someone walks through my door.

    Oh & add in pregnancy & all of a sudden I'm anal about cleaning. My grout lines? They sparkle. I've cleaned out 2 closets, the laundry room, & I'm having the carpets professionally cleaned this week! Oh & I'm painting the kitchen & both bathrooms before the baby gets here in March. Okay...I'm starting to think I inherited my mother's psycho-ness about cleaning, I'm just too hard on myself. :)

    This was a good post today! I liked it...obviously. :)

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  3. My .02 cents...
    Who cares.
    Really.
    This is why motherhood is so friggen hard. We are all judgey judge pants.
    Why should anyone care what you do in your house?
    Why?
    This is what I don't get about motherhood. Instead of supporting and encouraging and what not, we focus on what people do and don't do.
    It's not fair.
    I'm glad that you like to clean. I'm also glad if you don't like to clean. It doesn't make you better or not better. You're a good mom regardless.
    Am I not right?

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  4. I'm guessing our cleans are probably the same, actually. With 3 kids home all the time my house gets trashed on a daily basis, multiple times. But I pick it up. So do you, right? I've seen pics of your house. We LIVE in our house, but we also clean it. And yes, my kids always win :)

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  5. LOVED it :) I have some grout lines that need your attention.

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  6. The judging - that's what I wrote in the last paragraph. It pisses me off that if I keep a clean house it must mean I'm not a good mom -- as SO many people insinuated, or came right out and said yesterday on Diana's blog. This is my gig. I'm not saying they have to do it.

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  7. I think people got so defensive because her post was a bit judgmental when she said it doesn't sit well with her when people use their children as an excuse for a messy house. When one point fingers, even if they don't mean to do it, it riles people up, a lot. Obviously.
    Like you I have a college degree, career before baby, husband with a college degree and great job, I'm a sahm, I keep a clean house and stand up for my friends. But, those things don't make us good moms. Our kids are our priorities and that's why were good moms. Moms come in all sorts of varieties and keep their homes in all different ways and that's ok.

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  8. I remember having a conversation with the father of a girl that I had a crush on in high school (believe me, this is going somewhere, although the fact that I had a crush on a girl in high school should not be news of any sort). The girl was a year older than me, and was looking at schools to head to - and, she was insistent on staying at home.

    Her dad refused.

    He knew the type of parent he was. He knew the type of parent that his wife was. He knew that, if his very level-headed daughter stayed at home, that she's be missing out on a whole lot of learning, and he couldn't allow that.

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  9. That isn't what I wrote. I said it doesn't sit well with me when *I* use that excuse. Not anyone else.

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  10. For some reason I can't reply to Diana's post above.
    -Diana, First, thank you for clarifying what you meant. Second, based on your comment I don't really know if you want me to expand on how I read your piece or not? But I feel I should explain how I read it so maybe you can see where I am coming from, ok? I read that line to be directly related to all the sentences before it about the messy house Pinterest signs. More specifically the sign about good moms and happy kids. Since you do not have "kids" you only have one it seemed to *ME* to be more a blanket statement about messy moms who like the signs, then a personal one about yourself. Fair enough?

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  11. [...] on Monday.  (Kim over at Baby Feet – another awesome blog – wrote a nice follow up post to Diana’s and there were more heated [...]

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  12. I can't be at home and not do that. When I was sahm, I was happy to do it. I enjoyed it. It felt like my contribution. I like doing that stuff still. Does that make me weird? Probably. I see so many friends who have different housework divisions, but to be honest, I don't mind it. Sure I get help now and then, but whatever. It's not a tally of who does what.

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