Monday, January 23, 2012

Dear Diary

I found some old journal entries from when I came home after my first hospital stay. What a hot mess of mindless ramblings and insignificant details they are. My brain jumps from one topic to the next with no obvious connection between the two. The things I chose to fixate on . . . so sad.

:: 12/9/08::

Got agitated at dinner again -but if abilify makes me jittery, this is not the time to take it. So must talk to psych about it. After Sunday I can wrap and pack. Trying to pack family friendly things to do together as much as possible. Need to get ears (pig ears for the dog) and food. Gah. Winter clothes. Fear I will wear out my 1st cashmere sweater while in Michigan b/c I will be so cold?

::1/6/09::

Meds going well -mood stablilizer must be taken at betdtime but I feel really good . . . Find self doing 'busy' work b/c am afraid to be still, but I learned to knit so that is a huge help. Am having tons of thoughts about death and loss of one of the kids. Lots of anxiety there. Pretty sure it started Thursday when I saw that John Travolta's son, Jett, had died. But it may have been there before that. Can't remember. Do know that since his death my fear has gone thru the roof. Need to somehow get a handle on that.

** Ok, in the first sentence I say how great I'm doing, then a few short sentences later (that I edited out, they were just daily med checks) I'm saying what a mess I am. How didn't I see this? It's all so sad to me, today looking back. And my entries focus a lot of my anger at my husband, too. I didn't include any of those here, for obvious reasons. I was angry at myself for what I saw as weakness - the depression- but blaming my husband for it. Oh. It's just a mess.

The positive thing is, reading these entries shows me how far I've come. And where I'm not going again. I'm trying to read through them and be objective, not judgemental, but it's really hard. I don't quite know how I did even the little I did, with these restless thoughts running around my brain.