I found some old journal entries from when I came home after my first hospital stay. What a hot mess of mindless ramblings and insignificant details they are. My brain jumps from one topic to the next with no obvious connection between the two. The things I chose to fixate on . . . so sad.
:: 12/9/08::
Got agitated at dinner again -but if abilify makes me jittery, this is not the time to take it. So must talk to psych about it. After Sunday I can wrap and pack. Trying to pack family friendly things to do together as much as possible. Need to get ears (pig ears for the dog) and food. Gah. Winter clothes. Fear I will wear out my 1st cashmere sweater while in Michigan b/c I will be so cold?
::1/6/09::
Meds going well -mood stablilizer must be taken at betdtime but I feel really good . . . Find self doing 'busy' work b/c am afraid to be still, but I learned to knit so that is a huge help. Am having tons of thoughts about death and loss of one of the kids. Lots of anxiety there. Pretty sure it started Thursday when I saw that John Travolta's son, Jett, had died. But it may have been there before that. Can't remember. Do know that since his death my fear has gone thru the roof. Need to somehow get a handle on that.
** Ok, in the first sentence I say how great I'm doing, then a few short sentences later (that I edited out, they were just daily med checks) I'm saying what a mess I am. How didn't I see this? It's all so sad to me, today looking back. And my entries focus a lot of my anger at my husband, too. I didn't include any of those here, for obvious reasons. I was angry at myself for what I saw as weakness - the depression- but blaming my husband for it. Oh. It's just a mess.
The positive thing is, reading these entries shows me how far I've come. And where I'm not going again. I'm trying to read through them and be objective, not judgemental, but it's really hard. I don't quite know how I did even the little I did, with these restless thoughts running around my brain.
You are so brave posting these. I hope it's therapeutic for you to read through them.
ReplyDeleteI was having a bad emotional day on Saturday, and had some terrible things running through my head. And that was just a minor blip on the radar, when I'm normally not feeling like that at all. I can't imagine how terrible things get in your head when it's day after day like that.
You have come a long way! Be proud!
ReplyDeleteI was looking for my grief journal the other day when I was writing that last grief post but I never did find it. It know it's around here somewhere...
Always, always, always focus on where you're going - not where you were.
ReplyDeleteBut, be proud of the progress you've made.
This is so creepy because I found my journal from last year when I was in really deep. I was terrified to open it, but I considered looking to see how far I've really come.
ReplyDeleteYou've made wonderful progress and you are so brave for posting this.
Maybe one day I will too.
You're kicking this friend.
xoox
I don't know if you want to look. It was so disturbing. Especially all the anger I felt towards my husband. Now that I've looked I can't stop reading. I can't decide if it's good or not.
ReplyDeleteThanks, John. I know this to be true, but seeing it, right there in black and white was so disturbing. I can't help but look back.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Diane. I know I've come far, but it was so hard to see exactly where I was, where my brain put me. You're right though, I should be proud. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I was brave posting it. More like, OMG I need to know if others found out about their thoughts during a depression. The support has been amazing, that's for sure. Thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome. Brave. Wonderful. Hug.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jess. That means a lot to me, to hear you say it.
ReplyDeleteVery inspirational! I want to let others know about this...Thanks a lot!
ReplyDeleteThanks Gabriellie, I appreciate it. Let other know. That's why I blog. Thank you!
ReplyDelete