So, this blog is like a public diary. I know that's an oxymoron if there every has been one, but that's just what it is. Sometimes it's easier for me to write about what I'm feeling than to talk about it. Eventually I'll talk about it, and sometimes I'll talk about it first. But if I haven't talked about it to you yet? I'm not ready. So please be patient and know that when I'm ready I will. This is a place I come to understand my feelings and find a community who have felt the same. Sometimes I need that first, before talking out loud about things.
That being said.
I'm experiencing some depression breakthrough behaviors. Nothing too serious, but when I add them up I know that I must do something about it now. They are small things, and even funny things to other people. But they are my triggers. Letting more than one slip gets me thinking. Letting more than two slip and I get worried.
I must put on make up every day. Every.single.day. When I was in the deepest of my depression for those 2 plus years I wore make up to church and special events. Never on a daily basis. It was simply too much work to put on even a little mascara. Consequently I must put on eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, foundation, blush and lipstick each day. It's a sign that I'm well. And I enjoy it. I look healthy and pretty. Put together. Lately it's a chore and I have to talk myself into eye liner and mascara. That's one thing.
Laundry. It has to be caught up - only a load or two behind. Today I am six loads behind. SIX. I am taking deep breaths and systematically getting it done. When I was seriously depressed there was a permanent pile of clean clothes that lived on my dining room table. We just picked our daily clothes out of it. And I'd frequently freak out about it, get it all done, then let it go all over again. For weeks. This time it's days, but I let it go. That's two.
Getting dressed. I so want to be in yoga pants today. So badly that I had one leg in them and had to physically force myself out of them. I lived in yoga pants and pajama's when my depression was at it's worst, so getting dressed in real clothes - jeans, cords, a sweater etc every day is something I must do to prove to myself that I'm healthy.
Migraines. I had one yesterday that I couldn't shake. I ended up in the ER because of it, which means I lost an entire day. I used to lose days and days to them. Weeks even. This freaks me out to no end. I rarely get migraines anymore. My depression meds and gluten free diet have eliminated all but one hormone related migraine a month. And I can push through that one. Yesterday I could not, which is how I was when depression was winning. That's three.
I called my psychiatrist today and will be going to see her asap. I know these are all small things, but if I don't check them now they will add up to a slip backwards. And I'm not going backwards.
So today I'm up, dressed, migraine free, make up'ed and doing laundry. With a call in to the doc. That's a good step forward.
Kudos to you for acknowledging the triggers, and doing something about them.
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteIt's awesome that you are so in tune with your body and that you know when you need help.
...and a huge hug from the blogosphere.
ReplyDeleteWell, look at you! You're all grown up and recognizing the signs and symptoms. And then you're getting help fast. It's the sign of a very wise woman :)
ReplyDeleteYou are so smart to recognize your triggers, and to seek help before they become a problem. I am so impressed. Sending lots of love to you! Hope you're feeling better again!
ReplyDeleteGood for you for acknowledging what's going on and working to make it better. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd know that I'm right up the street and just a phone call away if you need to chat.
((hugs)) I get it, I know it. I'm so proud of you for just tackling it head on this time around.
ReplyDeletediabetics check blood sugar levels every day. Those prone to skin cancer have regular skin exams. People with heart problems monitor their oxygen levels every day. So why would you ignore your disease???
ReplyDeleteI don't know a lot about this, but I have to believe that stepping forward, putting one foot in front of the other, is a very good thing.
ReplyDeleteHow did the appointment go?
I am so proud of you.
ReplyDeleteEven more so that you are able to recognize when you're about to really slip.
I am sending you tons of love and encouragement.
You're going to make it through this.
You're an ass kicker.
And we're all here to help pull you through.
Gentle hugs.
Thanks so much, Kim. These words mean A LOT to me. I know you understand this feeling. Thank you. And yeah, I am an ass kicker! Thanks for reminding me!
ReplyDeleteYou're right: keeping moving forward is a very good thing. I had a phone conversation with my psch last night and it went so very well!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Diana. I know you get it and that means so much to me.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jen. I appreciate it!!
ReplyDeleteThank you :) I'm feeling better already, knowing I'm doing something right this very minute and not letting it get crazy.
ReplyDeleteAww, thanks Molly! It's a pretty cool feeling to recognize the signs before they get all out of control and nuts, I will say that!
ReplyDeleteThanks, John. A hug is always appreciated!
ReplyDeleteIt took a long time to get in tune with this deal, but I feel like maybe, just maybe, I've done it. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Amber :)
ReplyDeletemuch love to you, my friend. one day at a time!
ReplyDeleteI think it's great that you are recognizing the signs and doing something about it before things get out of hand. You are strong and you will beat this. I'm very proud of you. Good luck and much love.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Shana. I so appreciate your support!
ReplyDeleteGood job. I feel so worried when that weird anxiety hits. When that weird feeling in my head comes that isn't quite a headache but can't really be explained. I just worry. What if the meds stop working? I understand. I'm inspired, and proud.
ReplyDeleteThat anxiety is brutal. Makes my head spin and my thoughts run away with craziness. Glad to hear your meds ARE working. Stay on top of it. And thank you :)
ReplyDelete