Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Diaries and Depression

So, this blog is like a public diary. I know that's an oxymoron if there every has been one, but that's just what it is. Sometimes it's easier for me to write about what I'm feeling than to talk about it. Eventually I'll talk about it, and sometimes I'll talk about it first. But if I haven't talked about it to you yet? I'm not ready. So please be patient and know that when I'm ready I will. This is a place I come to understand my feelings and find a community who have felt the same. Sometimes I need that first, before talking out loud about things.

That being said.

I'm experiencing some depression breakthrough behaviors. Nothing too serious, but when I add them up I know that I must do something about it now. They are small things, and even funny things to other people. But they are my triggers. Letting more than one slip gets me thinking. Letting more than two slip and I get worried.

I must put on make up every day. Every.single.day. When I was in the deepest of my depression for those 2 plus years I wore make up to church and special events. Never on a daily basis. It was simply too much work to put on even a little mascara. Consequently I must put on eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, foundation, blush and lipstick each day. It's a sign that I'm well. And I enjoy it. I look healthy and pretty. Put together. Lately it's a chore and I have to talk myself into eye liner and mascara. That's one thing.

Laundry. It has to be caught up - only a load or two behind. Today I am six loads behind. SIX. I am taking deep breaths and systematically getting it done. When I was seriously depressed there was a permanent pile of clean clothes that lived on my dining room table. We just picked our daily clothes out of it. And I'd frequently freak out about it, get it all done, then let it go all over again. For weeks. This time it's days, but I let it go. That's two.

Getting dressed. I so want to be in yoga pants today. So badly that I had one leg in them and had to physically force myself out of them. I lived in yoga pants and pajama's when my depression was at it's worst, so getting dressed in real clothes - jeans, cords, a sweater etc every day is something I must do to prove to myself that I'm healthy.

Migraines. I had one yesterday that I couldn't shake. I ended up in the ER because of it, which means I lost an entire day. I used to lose days and days to them. Weeks even. This freaks me out to no end. I rarely get migraines anymore. My depression meds and gluten free diet have eliminated all but one hormone related migraine a month. And I can push through that one. Yesterday I could not, which is how I was when depression was winning. That's three.

I called my psychiatrist today and will be going to see her asap. I know these are all small things, but if I don't check them now they will add up to a slip backwards. And I'm not going backwards.

So today I'm up, dressed, migraine free, make up'ed and doing laundry. With a call in to the doc. That's a good step forward.