When we're depressed we lie.
It's true.
"How are you today?" gets the answer, "I'm great!" But what that really means is, "I'm a complete mess. I can't breathe. I can't get out of bed. I can't brush my teeth. But I can't say that outloud. Because then you'll know."
So we lie.
I used to say, "I'm fine." To everything.
"How are you?" I'm fine.
"How was your day?" Fine!
"Are you OK today? Are you getting up?" Yes, because I'm fine.
"Fine" really meant: Mentally I'm curled up in the fetal position, rocking and crying and waiting to be rescued.
"Fine" meant: I can't possibly 'do' today, but how do I say that? I've got 3 kids and my husband has to go to work.
"Fine" meant: I have migraine and need to go to the ER.
I lied constantly.
"Are you taking your meds?"
Yes! Yes I am! (no, no I was not.)
"Did you get to the store?"
Yes! (and then I'd have to run out and do the things I said I'd already done.)
"Are you having a good day?"
It's a great day!
And on and on. And I totally thought I had the world convinced that I truly was fine, the day was great and I was having no trouble controlling my depression. Only I didn't have them convinced. I was a disheveled mess, a shell of a person. I frequently didn't brush my teeth or shower for days. I wore the same clothes for days in an effort to not create laundry. I changed my babies diapers but didn't put pants back on them because I was just going to have to remove the pants again when I changed the next diaper and that was too much of an effort.
I lied about everything.
I'm telling the truth now.
Good for you Kim.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to tell the truth about how we really feel. For me, telling people the truth is admitting I'm not well...it's like if I can fake it one more day, hour or whatever, there might be a chance that indeed I will be better or get better...did that even make sense??
I'm also afraid that they'll get tired of me...sigh.
Such a hard spot.
But I'm glad that you're being truthful. People can't help support you if they don't know.
xoxo
You're right. So many times I said I was doing great. Being back to work is fine! Yeah. It's just so much easier.
ReplyDeleteYour blog and honesty are always so inspiring.
Coming to terms with the truth about a situation is always a great first step in getting help.
ReplyDeleteI said a prayer for you today. Take care of yourself. Reach out. Don't be afraid to get what you need.
Thanks for the prayer, Courtney. I truly appreciate that.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jess. You're words are so kind. Don't be afraid to reach out.
ReplyDeleteWe always think the next moment/hour/day will be 'right,' dont' we? It's my downfall. Thanks for understanding.
ReplyDeleteSometimes to get stronger we have to admit we need some help. It's hard though. Really hard. I hope you really are doing OK now. You have a lot of people to support you if you need it.
ReplyDeleteI definitely feel this post. I am finally back on the upswing after a crappy time recently... And I might have said I was fine one too many times during that period.
ReplyDeleteI think it was Yoda who once said "the truth will set you free." Or maybe it was Mary Poppins. Or my namesake, after Christ died. No, it must have been Dr. Dre.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, we want the truth.
Though I do have a somewhat amusing anecdote.
When I was growing up, one of my neighbors had Alzheimer's, and it was truly horrible. I went to visit her, in the nursing home, when I could. Her son worked the night shift, so he'd pick her up & take her with him during the day, drop her off while he slept during the afternoon, and then she'd spend the night there.
During those moments I saw her, it was, almost always, just as she was getting dropped off.
If I happened to get there during the drop-off phase, I'd hear the questions they'd ask her, as a separate nurse checked through details with Jeff (her son).
They asked Mrs. Conover if she had eaten that day, and the answer was always "yes." They'd ask her if she was hungry, and the answer was always "no."
Then they'd ask her what she ate.
The thing is that her mind was garbled, and, while there was no way that Jeff didn't feed her, she had no memory of what she ate.
So, she's start saying something, perhaps "pancakes."
And then her mind would take over. I don't know if she thought she was supposed to be listing foods or what, but she'd spout on "steak, chicken, corn on the cob, muffins, apples, salad, bacon, mashed potatoes, corn..."
See, she didn't mean to be lying, she just was doing what she felt she needed to, to please those around her, right then.
John, Thank you for this.
ReplyDeleteThat 'fine' word will get us into so much trouble. Glad to hear you're feeling better as well. Never hesitate to ask for help.
ReplyDeleteI'm doing really, really well right now. My meds were adjusted and things are back on track. Normal is a great thing!
ReplyDeleteI love this post. I came across your page off of "My Pajama Days" and this post really caught my eye. It's funny because this post is nothing more than the complete truth for a lot of people.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Desiree. Glad you stopped by!
ReplyDeleteThe lying just feels easier than the truth sometimes. We don't have to explain ourselves. How could we anyway? If we understood how to make it better, wouldn't we already? I just wrote about this same thing on my blog and then again for the Detroit News MichMoms. I am sending you a hug and always hear to listen you are not alone, my friend.
ReplyDeletegood for you-writing for the detroit news!! I grew up in Michigan, reading that paper, so I feel all connected to you doing that! And you're so right - you expained the lying perfectly. Smart woman, you are.
ReplyDelete