Saturday, January 14, 2012

We Lie

When we're depressed we lie.

It's true.

"How are you today?"  gets the answer, "I'm great!" But what that really means is, "I'm a complete mess. I can't breathe. I can't get out of bed. I can't brush my teeth. But I can't say that outloud. Because then you'll know."

So we lie.

I used to say, "I'm fine." To everything.

"How are you?"   I'm fine.

"How was your day?" Fine!

"Are you OK today? Are you getting up?" Yes, because I'm fine.

"Fine" really meant: Mentally I'm curled up in the fetal position, rocking and crying and waiting to be rescued.

"Fine" meant: I can't possibly 'do' today, but how do I say that? I've got 3 kids and my husband has to go to work.

"Fine" meant: I have migraine and need to go to the ER.

I lied constantly.

"Are you taking your meds?"

Yes! Yes I am! (no, no I was not.)

"Did you get to the store?"

Yes! (and then I'd have to run out and do the things I said I'd already done.)

"Are you having a good day?"

It's a great day!

And on and on. And I totally thought I had the world convinced that I truly was fine, the day was great and I was having no trouble controlling my depression. Only I didn't have them convinced. I was a disheveled mess, a shell of a person. I frequently didn't brush my teeth or shower for days. I wore the same clothes for days in an effort to not create laundry. I changed my babies diapers but didn't put pants back on them because I was just going to have to remove the pants again when I changed the next diaper and that was too much of an effort.

I lied about everything.

I'm telling the truth now.