Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The Fever.

Baby fever.  I've got it. There are pregnant ladies all around me. Fresh newborns to cuddle and smell are everywhere.

And I still want one.

I still lay in bed at night and think about a new baby.

A baby in my body, that I'll grow and birth and nurse and watch grow outside of my body.

I think of it every day.

Two of my best friends are pregnant, and while I'm incredibly happy for them, I'm also insanely jealous. I'm living vicariously through them.

And that will have to be good enough.

Babies are not what my husband wants. He's done - and 45. I'm 39 and I know that I should be done - done wanting, done having kids. If we had a baby right now, my husband would be 55 when the baby turned 10. I'd be 49.

I'm OK with my number, but I know he isn't with his. And I respect that - during the day. At night when I'm laying in bed and the house is quiet, I stroke my belly and wish for it to grow.  I cup my breasts and crave  the quiet nursing  of a new born.

These things won't happen. They can't. We made a permanate choice when John was a baby. It was the right choice. Because another baby would have broken me. I was on the edge of a breakdown and my husband knew this, somehow. He knew we needed to be done.

And I thank God that he knew.

The meds I am on cause birth defects. I know this. And yet I still crave a baby of my own.

Adoption isn't an option, because my husband feels complete in our family. He feels that we are a solid, complete unit. He's completely fulfilled.

Then there is the money factor with adoption. That's daunting. And again, our ages.

So.

I want a baby.

It's not going to happen and somehow I've got to learn how to get through this. To accept and move on.

I'm trying. I truly am.

9 comments:

  1. oh kim. i'm so sorry you are going through this. i'm holding my baby right now, listening to his squeaks and sighs and my heart is breaking for you, for me, for all of us facing this struggle.

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  2. Thank you, Grace. I appreciate your support so very much.

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  3. *hug*

    Adoption is quite expensive, and has a list of unknowns, and, frankly, is a scary, scary road. But, if you & your husband ever want to talk about it, well, you know where to find me.

    I, too, feel that my family is complete. For right now, I think Duffy does, too . . . but I don't know what will happen when kids are out of diapers or, scarily, in need of training bras (sorry)

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  4. It's nice, feeling like it's complete. I used to feel that way, I truly did. And yes, I know where to find you if adoption were to become an option. I've thought about it many times, so thank you. Also? Potty training is ridiculous, but girls are easier than boys. For real. The training bra thing is freaking me out!

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  5. I always hope when I talk to you about my pregnancy you hang up and fist pump yourself, the kids, Art, and then maybe one for your uterus. :)

    But in all seriousness, I do get it. I had some of the same feelings last fall, when I struggled with, "Can we ever do this again?" It was still an option so it was different, but I do get a small part of it.

    Again, I expect you to fly down here and smother my babies with love as soon as you can. Keep August/September open. <3

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  6. I am with you on this one.
    I take anti-psychotics.
    It has taken me almost 4 years to get out of this hole.
    Do I risk my sanity for another baby?
    I'm not sure I can do that.
    I do want one.
    I really do.

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  7. I knew you'd understand. Thank you.

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  8. I'll be there -- wild horses can't keep me away!

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  9. Honey I'm so sorry. I know how you must hurt. I have nothing to say other than xoxo.

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