Monday, November 29, 2010

Overheard: The ER


My doc? Did not look like this.

A couple weeks ago I had to visit the ER for a migraine. It was packed and I was there for five hours. My head was killing me and I desperately needed to be distracted. So I took a page out of Kate and Lydia's book over at Rants From Mommyland and started taking notes.  My observations are noted in red. Because you really need to know what I was thinking.

* "Uhm, Hi? This is my baby? He fell last night, and like, hit his head? And like, now he can't see?" Meanwhile the baby is totally waving at me. And I'm like 10 feet away.

* "This is my husband, he's the patient. He blacked out while driving and went into a ditch. On Friday." It's Monday. What.The.Blank.Did.You.Do.All.Week.End??

* Three uhm, 'boyz' are in line ahead of me. They could hang with Snoop Dogg. They all look totally fine. "Yo. I had a boil drained on Fri-DAY. Doc told me to come back TO-day. And these are my boyz." How did that conversation go? And you all don't have jobs/school/chores/something else more engaging to do on a Monday morning than sit in an emergency room while your 'boy' gets a boil checked?

* Husband, complaining while wife sits in wheelchair waiting to check in. "There's a line. Man! What if there were a national emergency? What then? Huh? What if there were bombs dropping from the sky? I bet they'd see us then, wouldn't they?" Really? They'd see us then?

*" No, I'm not at home! I'm at the emergency room, dumba$$. Because I have a cyst on my wrist and it's cutting off my circulation. My hand is all swoll. I can't talk now. Call my manager and tell him I haf to haf it tooken off." She doesn't see me writing down her conversation, because she is busy texting the entire time she's waiting to be seen. I feel all mean towards her, especially because she gets seen before me. Then I see her later. With her eye makeup all smeared and her wrist all bandaged. I'm a winner.

* "I hear an ambulance. They're bringing someone here w/ a broken leg. Because this is one of them trauma centers. But can they fix your leg? Oh noooo. They make us wait and wait . . " the wife gets up and starts wandering around the waiting room, on 'broken' leg. "What if there were a national emergency?" This, again? "What then? Huh? I bet they'd fix your leg, then, wouldn't they?!" Uh, no, they would not. Do you remember September 11? All the doctors rushed to the hospitals to help because we thought we'd be getting survivors here. Also? Your 'broken' leg would not be at the top of the important list if there were a national emergency.

Back in the treatment area:
* "Uhh, it just hurts so bad. I wish somebody would come and tell me why it hurts. Or tell me I could eat. I'm so hungry. Go see if I can eat. " The boyfriend trots off. The girlfriend pants and waits. "You can't eat because you just had a CAT scan to see why you are in so much pain. You might need surgery." Girlfriend hurls her phone at him. That should speed things up. "But I'm hungry! This is so wrong. Why can't I eat?" Time passes. More whining about wanting to eat. More panting because she is obviously in pain. A doctor comes by with her CAT scan results. "You're in pain because your LapBand has come off." What?? The boyfriend freaks out. The girlfriend is all calm. "There is something inside you? What is inside you? Tell me what is inside you!"  She keeps shushing him. "Just shut up. Find a doctor. I want to know what they're going to do and when. So I know if I can eat." Hhmm. What do you think caused you to need the LapBand in the first place??

Nurses and Doctors are saints, people. Saints.

Give me your best ER story!