Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I Cry "Uncle!"

Can I yell it louder? Louder? I am laughing so hard right now . . .honest. What else is there to do? Today has been a day of epic fails. EPIC. So many, so epic, that as they happened I said to myself, "OOOOH, write that down, too. That goes in a blog post." I'm giggling as I think about them . . .

First thing this morning Husband danced his way out of the bathroom, shivering. He ran downstairs to the thermostat. Then to the basement. Back up stairs with a look of disbelief on his face. No heat.

No problem! I'll just call the Heater Guys. And they'll come out, fix it right up.

I continue on with my day, which included a call to the Oven Guys. Because my oven broke. On Christmas morning. As I was baking the food I needed for Christmas Day. And yes, I'm just now getting it fixed. But I have an upper and a lower oven, so I've been OK. The Oven Guy says he will be here soon! No problem!

Husband calls to remind me that there is siding falling off the house and the Siding Guy will be here today. No problem!

We make a fire. Bundle up. I put on a hat. I look good. Really. The Heater Guy comes. I run to get Sarah from school. Come home. Heater Guy looks at me and gives me a sad smile.

No heat until tomorrow.


So, we add some layers, burn some wood. And let me tell you, I am burning wood, my friends. Like, I'm thinking, "How did they do this way back in the day?" Because I am adding a log every 40 minutes! I make the kids play tag. It keeps them warm.

The Oven Guy comes, he greets me with, "Oh, man! I love the smell of a fire place!" I begin to giggle.

He pulls out the oven and toys from 3 years ago are revealed. A missing match box car that was my brothers that I've been so sad over -- the General Lee is returned!

The Oven Guy sits down at my island and pulls out his phone. Gives me a sad smile. I go grab the check book.

While Oven Guy is sitting at my island, Heating Guy is in my basement, and Siding Guy pulls up to the house.

Now I am cracking up.

Siding Guy checks out the house, tells me he'll be back on Saturday to fix it and how much it will cost. Then asks, "Will that be OK?"

Again, I'm laughing. Because, what? I'm going to say, "No, no it is not. Do not fix the siding. And Heating Guy? No to you. And Oven Guy? No to you, too." They all had me by the short and curlies. So I continued to laugh maniacally, sign their papers and thank them profusely. While the kids played tag.

Then I began to clean. Because I was freezing. So I swept. Then I vacuumed. And carrying in all that wood? Made such a mess in front of the fire place. So I sucked all that dust up. Right up into that Dyson canister. Wooosh. Nice and tidy.

But, my sweet lord, the smell. The smoke.

Wait . . .what?

Yeah. Smoke.

Because I'd sucked up an ember, that's why. So I threw that Dyson out side, emptied the canister over the side of the deck (read: onto my jeans and boots) and banged it around a bunch. Then left it there. Oh, and giggled some more, because can you just see Husbands face when I tell him this?

So I tell Husband about the vacuum, and he looks at me like I've lost my d*mn mind. To distract him I mention that we are burning wood at an alarming rate. He informs me that's because I've been burning 'junk wood' and the 'good wood' that's what she said is on the side of the house. That wood will actually last. yeah, that's what she said.

For Christmas my husband bought me this awesome, cuddly, huge, flannel nightgown from Cabela's. I wore it for about 5 days straight. So it really needed to be washed. Which it was, yesterday. And since I don't have any heat, I could not wait to put on that yummy piece of warmth.

This. Only in a nightgown.

It shrank.

Any questions?

I seriously cannot stop laughing!

EDIT: @ 6 o'clock Thursday  morning (as in RIGHT NOW) Sarah started puking. She has a fever. She has puked all over the down comforter. Bwwwwahhhhaahhhha