Tuesday, January 4, 2011

News Flash: I Stress Eat

Shocker, huh? I mean, I knew I was a stress eater. But what I didn't know was what I defined as stress. Prior to today, I'd have said that for me, truly stressful things that make me stress eat would be a sick child (not like a cold sick, but actually ill), arguing with my husband, money trouble, a day where the kids are sick, the laundry isn't done, the oven breaks (oh, haven't I told you about that?), and I get poo'ed on. Before 9 a.m. What I would not have said was stressful:

Loading songs onto an MP3 player. Not an ipod. An "MP3 Player. "
*Excuse me while I finish the very large, very calorie laden chocolate bar I've been gnawing on.*

??









This is an ipod. i-awesome.

??Friends, there is a very real, very valuable reason ipod has the monopoly on the music to go market. All the i-stuff? BUY IT. Do not buy the imitations. If you do, you will get fat and lazy and wind up wiping chocolate off your chin at 8 o'clock in the evening because you've been messing with craptastic crap all.day.long.
I spent all farking day attempting to download Taylor Swift's 'Speak Now' from a CD onto Violet's MP3 player. But apparently it's not called 'downloading.' That's an Apple term.  It's called 'ripping.' So I spent 4, yes 4 hours attempting to complete a task that is not complete-able. Then I saw the word 'rip.'

Wait . . . I've heard this term before . . .  Nancy D. You've said this word. You floated into my mind . . . so I clicked it. And the CD began to 'rip' onto the MP3 player. 45 flippity flip flip minutes later it was done . . .'ripping.' Wait. I need more chocolate.

I went to Rhapsody. Just to make sure that this whole MP3 deal really did suck the large hairy monkey balls I thought it did. Oh, wait. Let me back up.

FIRST I went to this e-music place where I had 35 free! songs. Free! 35! 89 cents! Yeah  . . . because you.have.no.music. Seriously. I searched The Jonas Brothers (It's for Violet. Remember?) They didn't have even one song. Really? The Jonas Brothers? Not one? No Miley Cyrus, not even from her non-slutty Hannah Montana days? Wow, what a deal. 35 free songs, for my 7 year old . . . if I wanted "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap"  . . . which I did not.

Anyway. So now I'm at Rhapsody. I find Bruno Mars, Beautiful to Me, I think it is. I buy it for 99 cents as an experiment. I write down the steps on how to locate the file on my computer in case I lose the file. Why? Because a big ole' screen pops up when I hit 'purchase' that says:

If you cannot locate your Rhapsody purchase, do the following

I, being the genius I am, suspect I should pay attention. So I do. Annnnd I lose the file. But wait! Look! I wrote down the steps! So I follow them.

Nothing.
Nada.
Zip.

But . . chocolate.

I searched every.single.farking.file on my computer. I found a place on Rhapsody that told me what file to type into search should I still not be able to find my file. Hmmm, has this perhaps happened before?? I searched it. Guess what? Nothing. I tried to copy the word, because it's late, I'm tired and I've had a lot of chocolate at this point. But Rhapsody closed. It said my session had 'timed out.'

Chocolate.

??









I consumed 1 1/2 of these puppies. Don't judge.

?? I have consumed just over 890 calories and 42 grams of fat  in dark, rich, sexy, chocolate in the last 5 hours. Plus a half bag of white cheddar popcorn. What? Did I forget to mention that? And dinner. That was 400 calories and 14 grams of fat.

And yes, I really did add all this up. It shows you how much food I needed to load Violet's MP3 player with . . .oh. Not.a.single.song.

Bad words go here. Very, very, terrible, awful words that will burn your eyes, go here.

So Apple? I lurve you. And one of us? (Violet or I) Will be getting an ipod in the near, oh so near future.

*super special words, 'craptastic and flipity' are not my gems. I wish I could claim them as my own. Kate and Lydia invented them.