Friday, May 20, 2011

What I Wanted To Say . . .

. . . Is not what I'm going to have the chance to say today. Sarah was up forever again last night. I'm exhausted. I need to mainline some coffee stat. Or visit my sister in law at Starbucks every hour, on the hour and have her hook me up with that awesome iced skinny caramel macchiato extra caramel I've become addicted to. In the extra big venti refillable cup she got me for Christmas. And I'm rambling. This is how tired I am. Sarah? Is happily playing upstairs because we caved and put her on our floor just to get her to shut up please just for the love of God stop crying! at I need to sleep o'clock. And then? I kept waking up because I still heard her crying. Only she wasn't. Nice.

Anyway. What I'm trying to say is, I can't form a coherent thought. Obviously. I need to get Sarah into her new room. So I'm going to the blind store and Home Depot and doing some massive purchasing today. I'm finishing The Sleep Lady Book. Whatever it takes to get this child to sleep.

It's not just that we need her to sleep, that we need sleep. When I don't sleep it starts me on this weird path of insomnia. One night of interrupted sleep always turns into two. I take a sleeping pill to make sure this doesn't happen. But lately they haven't been working. And when they don't work the insomnia kicks my butt. Insomnia leads my brain to anxiety. Very quickly. It's as if my brain says, "Well, since we can't sleep let's think of all the horrible, awful, no good, very bad things that could happen to your children and husband. Right now. And after we finish with right now? We'll move onto when you're in the car. Then walking down the street. Then we'll throw in all those fun plots from crime shows. Aaaand Go!" The anxiety spins out of control in a day or two and I'm thrown into a death spiral of depression.  It will take numerous visits to my therapist, psychiatrist, and med changes to pull me out and readjust my brain.

I'm not going there.

The good thing, the positive and amazing thing is: I know this could happen! A year ago I would never have recognized the need for sleep could throw me into such a catastrophe. Sleep? Really? But it's more that my brain just doesn't know how to shut the hell up right now. We're still working on that.

So. I'm going to do some heavy duty shopping and get Sarah's bedroom made into the room of her dreams (like how I did that? Dreams. Ha!). We're going to go back to a sweet, gentle bedtime routine reminiscent of a three month old.

I'm not spiraling.

So bear with me.