Monday, June 20, 2011

My Eyes, My Eyes!

I can barely breathe, because I'm guest posting over at  Mama Still Wears Gucci !! I don't know quite how I managed to do this. Gucci is incredible and outrageous and all kinds of wonderful. She is a rare gem. I've adored her humor and outspoken ways since the day I landed on her blog over a year ago. And now somehow little me is on her blog. Go on over there for a visit and look around. Leave me a comment and let me know you stopped by!!

Listen up, people! It is once again swim suit season and we are at the pool every single day. For many, many hours. I calculated just how many here. And apparently there are some rules we need to go over as the summer begins.

Why? Do you not have mirrors? Do you think these things you do are attractive? They are not.

1. Butt crack. Just no. Never. Man, woman. Whatever. Sarah is 5 and I have decided to put her in dresses every day because the girl cannot keep her pants up. Her crack isn't cute. You're 20. And hot. You've got rocking abs and arms out of "Thor." But your butt crack? Makes me want to hurl. Plus, is this what the girls are into? Are they saying, "OMG, he's so hawt. Those abs. And that crack. *sigh*"

Girls, the same goes for you. I saw you in your string bikini, with the heart cut out that allowed your crack to wink at me as you walked by. Why? This is a fashion statement? What's next? A little pubic hair curling out?

2. Your underwear. You. Are. A. Lifeguard. Why in the name of all that is holy are you wearing 'shorts' (they come down to your ankles) that are slung so low I can see the label on your Calvin Klein's. And FYI? Not impressed that they're CK. Because I've noticed that they are same grey pair with white band and black lettering every day. Do you have seven of the same pair. Really? You do? Well, go swagger yourself in front of a set of teenagers and not this group of moms.

3. A tan does not make you fit. Or thin. Or make that bikini fit. Or make that flap of skin that is 5 inches thick disappear. Am I thin/fit? No. Do I wear a bikini? I do not. Because I should not. Look in the mirror.

4. Comparing children. Do not walk up to me and say, "How old is your daughter?" And when I say, "Five." Turn to your son and say, "See? Five. Same age as you and she's putting her face in the water. Why can't you?" Oh, they are fast friends now. And then you sit and chat me up? And you're actually nice? But your son hates my daughter and I really don't blame him. And I kind of hate you.

5. Watch your own kids. Does this one need explaining? You're at the pool. It has a lot of water. You should probably pay attention to those small humans that you proclaim to love more than life itself because if I have to jump up as though I'm about to go into the water after a drowning child one more time I'm going to lose mind (again.) Last year I went in twice after kids that were not mine. And did that weird jerk where you almost go, and the other parent realizes, "holy crap I was texting/talking/reading/drinking/sleeping and my kid is under the water." and grabs them.

I also don't want to discipline your child. They are not mine. I have my own to glare at all summer long as they spit water at me, I'll thank you to not allow your child to do the same.

Your Welcome.