I've spent the last week doing a lot of thinking about this little blog of mine. I started it with a specific purpose in mind: to tell others that they are not alone in the battle against depression and to prove that by sharing my story. Graphically. I've read so many stories about depression that leave me going, "Nope. I'm alone." Because they are santitzed and prettied up. That's not what I want to do. I share the grit and the grime. I show the postivie outcome, but I'm not going to tell you that I ever, ever pulled off the facade of making it. Because I didn't.
And I came to the realization this past week that I can no longer do this. I can't be totally honest. I can't edit myself. But because of the way my blog posts I've started having to do this. It's my own fault. When I first started blogging I posted my blog to my personal Facebook page. And since I knew all of you there, I was fine with you reading it. I was scared, yes. Not all of you knew what had happened. Most of you didn't know. And I was afraid that some of you would run, screaming into the night. But the most amazing thing happened: not one single person did. Not one. I recieved more postive comments, likes and private e-mails than I'd ever thought possible. And it's continued. Every time I post something and somebody I'm not aware is reading likes the post or comments, I'm blown away. And this is not the problem.
The problem is, Facebook has become a way of connecting with new friends. Friends I'd like to coordinate playdates with, coffee with. Friends I'm not sure when or if I'll ever share the depths of my struggle with. And by posting my blog to Facebook I shove it all out there. So it's like, "Hey, we should totally get Violet and Suzie together for a playdate this summer! Find me on Facebook!" Then the mom finds me, and wham! She's on my blog. Reading about cavity searches and suicidal thoughts. That's really something I'd like to ease her into, you know?
So. I know that a lot of you come through my personal Facebook page. But I'm not going to be posting my blog to that page anymore. I'm asking that you come in a different way. There are three ways you can come in, two of which do not require you to set up any kind of account. I promise it's easy!
1. Click on the 'follow' button. You'll need a google/gmail account for this.
2. Enter your email into the 'feedburner' box. I don't see your email, feedburner doesn't see it. You don't get e-mails from anybody else but my blog. When I post, you get the post in your in box. You can read it there, or click into my blog.
3. 'Like' my fan page on Facebook and when I publish my blog you will get a notification on your Facebook page.
That's all. I truly, truly value your reading. When you leave comments or like my posts it makes me smile and warms my heart. Like you wouldn't believe. I count them and hold them with me.
D. All of the above.
ReplyDeleteAnd? Can't wait. I mean, I am not all ::jazzhands:: about hearing about cavity searches but I'm thrilled you're going to get even more real on here. :)
I would never run, but I think you've figured that out about me by now! I value our friendship way too much to ever be scared off, deterred, disturbed, etc.! Only if you tell me you're leaving for a year to follow Josh G. on tour will I go running in the opposite direction!! :)
ReplyDeleteSeriously, the only reason I don't bring it up is because I want to follow your lead. I know that if we're together and you want to share something you will; and that is fine by me. I also know if I have a question, I can ask; and that too, is fine by me! Luv ya, neighbor!! :)
Good thing I come through blogger! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI thought at first you were going to say you were changing your blog and I started to get nervous. I'm glad that's not the case!
Understood.
ReplyDeleteI'll be patient. That's what friends are for. I truly hope I'm one of those blogs that doesn't "pretty up" depression. I want to be completely real. I had to wait to write about it until I was completely comfortable. But truth be told, I still fear pressing publish sometimes. It's scary. But I have to let go of what others think. This blog is for you!
ReplyDeleteOnce you're comfortable talking about your experiences, it won't matter who is reading.
First time at your blog today and I read this post. Please know you are NOT alone. I've suffered depression my entire life (44yo) and finally found help 12 years ago. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't believe I waited that long.
ReplyDeleteNo one should feel guilt because they suffer from depression. If it were a heart issue, there would be no quilt. I have found that our mental health care system is so skewed. Our brains are organs!
The thing that sucks the most is that depression is usually genetic and I know I've passed it along to my children. I just hope I have the knowledge to keep them healthy and safe!!
Glad you posted!!
It's tough to have so many different pieces of your life just out there for people to read, isn't it. I struggle with whether to ever tell people I know personally that I have a blog and I don't write about anything as heavy and as personal as you do. But I sort of feel like that's my place where I should be able to talk about whatever I want - whether it's my in laws making me crazy, the way my lady bits hurt after my first baby or sleepless nights and cute stories. And knowing my father in laws brother could find it and read all that, means I can't.
ReplyDeleteSIGH. I hope you continue to get the support from your friends but in a way that you're comfortable with and doesn't put you out there (like that) with new folks until (or if ever) you're ready.
I know exactly what you mean. But you're not ::jazzhands:: about cavity searhes?? What IS wrong with you?
ReplyDeleteI didn't tell you about the bus I booked and how we're following Josh around the country for the next year? Really? Huh . . I know you follow my lead and that you are comfortable asking questions. You've always been spportive and I've always been aware of it. Thank you
ReplyDeleteNot changing the format, just how I post-- getting weirded out, I guess. :)
ReplyDeleteYou always do, you always have.
ReplyDeleteMolly, you do not pretty it up, and I respect you so, so much for that. I'm pretty comfortable posting about my depression at this point, I've just become leery about who can see it that I actually 'know.' People that I might never share the extent of it with have access to it, and I'm not ok with that. Yoyu're support means so much -- you've done this process and get it. Thank you!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you stopped by! I hope you'll be back and see better stuff -- and I'm going to have to come find you on twitter!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Krista. It's not so much support I'm worried about but who is reading, you know? Suddenly being found out is a worry! I appreciate you reading and understanding.
ReplyDeleteprecisely why i don't link In Real Life me with MommaKiss - and I don't blame ya one bit.
ReplyDelete