This weekend while we were at our pool and Sarah was splashing at our pool I suddenly had a very worrisome thought:
What have multiple children done to my marriage?
Sarah was playing with her new friend, who is a singleton, and her mom and dad were . . . well, cute. They were a few year younger than us and obviously still madly in love. They played in the water together. He tossed her around. She tried to tossed him. He gently splashed her and nudged her away, told her to go get a drink, he had the 'baby.' She went over to their spot (a nice, neat area with a small cooler, bag, and three towlels), had some pretzels and hummus and a beer. By herself. Her husband communicated to her a couple times while she was their by smiling and gesturing with his hands toward the cute things their daughter was doing.
I barked at my husband and the kids when we arrived at the pool because before I even got a bite of my food I had four hands reaching into it for a french fry. My husband played in the water with John in the shallow end while I watched Sarah and Violet fling themselves off the diving board. When I managed to get my husbands attention and he came over, we laughed at them, then yelled at them in unison as they ran down the slippery surface of the diving board. When he gestured to me in silence it was to tell me that John was sitting on the edge of the pool and didn't I have a parenting bone in body? He was going to fall in! We were in the deep end! Our spot was spread out over 10 feet, consisted of five towels, three bags, a pizza box, a take out box, five pairs of shoes and a cooler bag. My husband and I were not lovingly tossing each other around the pool that night. Nor any other night at the pool.
And it got me to thinking. I have more friends with one child than just this couple, and I started thinking about all the things they do. The dates they have. The nights out as a couple -- and alone for girls night and guys night -- they have. They have time for the gym. Time- and the ability to get a get a babysitter without spending an additional small fortune, plus the added problem of finding a sitter who can deal with three children --to go out as a couple.
I think. OR is it that my husband and I have just stopped making the time? This problem is one I see throughout marriages with multiple children. That being said, I chose to have this many children -- and I wanted more. (I'd even have another, but I can't.) I was excited to add each child into our family and it wasn't until John was born that I felt our family was complete. So, obviously I was meant to have multiple children. I was meant to have a huge, messy spot at the pool and be all distracted.
That love is in my heart. I want it to be in my eyes again.
Uh oh, I'm in trouble. Nate and I aren't all that cute now, with only one kid - nor were we all that cute with no kids! I think we had better step up and make some more time for each other STAT!
ReplyDeleteWell, you know from my experience what can happen if you don't make that time. I'm not saying either one of you would do THAT, but it really helps to make time for yourselves.
ReplyDeleteEverything is an effort in life. But the biggest effort is for MOM'S to make time for THEMSELVES.
ReplyDeleteOver the past 6 months, Michael and I have gone out on a "date night" one Saturday a month. It's nothing fancy, usually a movie and dinner. It's nice to have a "few hrs" to yourselves, but when the kids come back, life goes back the way it was. I will admit, though, I SOOO look forward to having those 6 hours alone with him. To talk without having a child hanging on me, and to curse if I feel like it, damn it! LOL
I love my kids, you know that, but I love my husband too, and on our wedding day, the priest said something, I'll NEVER forget: One day, after the kids are grown and our parents are gone, it will just be US. He said to remember during the chaios of life, WE must always come first.
It does take an effort to make the "date night" happen - but do it. God not only gave you children, he gave you your husband...don't forget to nourish THAT relationship as well ;)
I think there are a lot of factors that come in to play. We only have one baby and we still have a hard time making time for us. Of course we were married for-evah before we had a baby too, so we were already an "old married couple" ha!
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate. I have three kids and at times find myself staring at my husband wondering, who is this guy who loves me so much that he sticks with me thru the chaos. It is so easy for me to wonder what is my purpose here and am quickly reminded that God has given me a wonderful task of being a mother. It is a fine line to walk being a mother and a wife. I find comfort in the fact that I am not the only person with the same wonderings...
ReplyDeleteI once knew a couple with young kids who naturally didn't have a lot of money being chided by his mother for spending as much as they did on "date nights."
ReplyDeleteI loved his answer. "It's marriage insurance, Mom." We wouldn't think of not paying for insurance on our cars, but somehow balk at investing in something much more important.
The best thing a couple can do for their children is make sure that their parents are happy together.
Jodi
I dunno, I was thinking how happy you guys sounded. Cute sounds exhausting. If my hubby can laugh with me, communicate without speaking, get pizza with me, and not care if my towel is a mess? I think I'll be in great shape.
ReplyDeleteIt IS harder with two. your attention is constantly being pulled in different directions, fuses are shorter, and time for the two of you is much harder to come by. At least for me, or us. Also harder is finding a babysitter for two (or more) children making those ever elusive date nights even more of a scheduling challenge.
ReplyDeleteBut. It's more laughs, more friendships for your children in each other, etc. Although, I'm sure that's not always enough to make you go running for your husbands arms instead of fighting back the eye roll. :)
Two Words:
ReplyDeleteDATE NIGHTS
It changes with more than 1 kid. There's only so much you can do, and you have 3 kids to take care of! I watch parents of 1 kid and think..."just you wait until that second baby pops out. Then you'll understand." ...And then they always do. :-) Don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone's situation is different. I am sure even those friends of yours have their moments of yelling at each other or their kid. I have 2 little ones and 1 on the way. My husband and I take 3-day weekend trips away alone 2 times a year, and it is a miracle. We get to be ourselves, remember how we were before the kids, strengthen our friendship. I am pretty sure those trips are going to stop once this third baby arrives, because who wants to watch 3 kids 5 & under for 3 days?! I worry about it, but I keep reminding myself we just have to hang on...to our relationship, our family, ourselves...and 10 years from now we'll look around our full kitchen table and be thankful for all of the love there and the friendships our children have with each other. We just have to hang on. The hard years with little ones only lasts so long.
ReplyDeleteThis is the theme running through the comments: make time. The kids will grow up and you and your husband have to still be in love and LIKE each other. :) We're planning a date night asap.
ReplyDeleteI hear you. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are so smart, Karen. Talking w/o the kids hanging on you is so amazing. Not having to say, "I'm talking here. To DADDY, NOT you." Would be incredible.
ReplyDeleteWe were married almost two years before Violet was born, almost 10 now, and it's hard to make time. Harder than I thought! It's easy to fall into comfortable routine.
ReplyDeleteYou are definatly not alone. I look at my husband and wonder the exact same thing!
ReplyDeleteMarriage insurance. I'm looking at it this way from now on. Exellent advice. As always.
ReplyDeleteAhh, thank you. Seriously. I hadn't stopped to think of it that way. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteExactly. And my eye's roll faster lately.
ReplyDeleteWe're planning one now!
ReplyDeleteIt is hard. Harder than I thought, that's for sure. And the babysitter deal is tough. You can't just be all spontaneous and decide to go out. And looking around at our full house is pretty darn amazing!
ReplyDelete