So I had a small melt down last night. And I DO mean small. But it was unsettling to my husband.
And that's my fault.
My 'freak out' was really a 'I'm so frustrated I just want a farking browning or chocolate or roll dripping in butter. But you came home with ice cream sandwiches. And can I eat an ice cream sandwich? NOOOOO. WHY? Seriously? Because they have a cake crust on them. And you didn't think of that and you didn't think of me and I always think of you and I would have so realized this for you and then I would have bought you your favorite ice cream, which I totally know. Rocky road. So there."
And then he said, "You're scaring me." Which caused me to rant even more, that I could be upset, be irrationally upset even and not have it mean a damn thing, except that I.was.very.very.upset.
It doesn't mean anything. Except that I wanted something chocolate that was available and didn't cost 10 dollars. That I was frustrated right then and completely fed up. And that he is my husband and I'm supposed to be able to do this with him.
But I've trained him differently.
So when I behave this way he sees days of sleeping, piles of laundry, agitation, tears, yelling, more tears and more sleeping in his future. Possibly followed by a trip to the hospital.
I've trained him well.
Un-training him is a whole different story. A trip to my therapist is in our very near future.
Because I can't let him feel this way.
Untraining can be hard. It will take time. Good luck with that.
ReplyDeleteSEmi-related, my husband I always laugh because one day, my dad got my mom a piece of pie and put whipped cream on it. My mom FLIPPED out. Yelled that they had been married for 40 years and he still didn't know that she didn't like whipped cream on her pie. I still crack up thinking about it. Your ice cream story reminds me of it.
I may have had a similar freak out all in my head . . . and I still can't get over the funk. My last therapist had to retire to deal with medical issues, so I'm urgently looking for another one, because I see the "lying around, not doing shit, and going to the hospital" in my future, and I don't like it.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is, is that I'm not a huge fan of myself right at this moment, so the thought that "I deserve to feel better," isn't at the top of the list, if that makes sense at all.
Time heals all wounds. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have those days/moments. Just remind your hubby how far you've come since those days and that he needs to join you in this new place where he doesn't have to constantly fear a return to the old way. Easier said than done, but that's what our therapist told us to do yesterday and it seemed like pretty sage advice. And for crying out loud get some gluten-free brownie mix in that house!!
ReplyDeleteYour post cracked me up! I had a small meltdown last night. My husband has been giving me a hard time about wasting so much money on this type of ice cream I like. Then! I was in need of some stress relief yesterday and went to get some out of the freezer. It was gone! He ate it! Oh, I was not happy.
ReplyDeleteHi Kim, I totally know what you mean here. All I can say is that men are simple creatures (sorry to any guys that read this, but you agree with me right??) and just be happy that he got trained in the first place! My hubby? Has no idea how to react to me. Just shuts down. 5 years fighting PPD and he still doesn't have a clue... ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteIt's never about the small stuff.
ReplyDeleteCouples don't really fight about putting the toothpaste cap on or leaving the toilet seat up. They fight over what that action or lack of action means to them.
In most cases what it means is, "I don't feel cared for." That particular incident simply represents that feeling.
Personally I do think that after 40 years a person should know whether their spouse eats whipped cream or takes sugar in his coffee or can eat ice cream sandwiches, although mistakes happen. Why? If you don't know these things, odds are that you haven't been paying a whole lot of attention.
My goal should be "what can I do to make my partner happy?" and if I am not working at that (and it should work both ways) I need to get back to basics and refocus.
Maybe you are losing it a bit KIm, but maybe you are just feeling hurt, neglected or overwhelmed.
Jodi
Oh Kim. You know he is just worried and changing responses is hard. But you guys will get there. I'm glad you all have an open relationship to be able to talk and get it fixed. He loves you more than anything, and you deserve it.
ReplyDeleteThanks,Jess. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jodi. You are always so insightful.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I did 'train' him well on how to react, and now the poor man over reacts to everything. I see therapy in our near future.
ReplyDeletelol! I can totally see this happening! That's great!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Alexia. We'll be seeing a therapist again, too, you can count on that. AND there is gluten free brownie mix in the house!
ReplyDeleteI'm a huge fan of you. Just sayin'.
ReplyDelete