What do I know of marriage? I know that I took vows before God and I take these seriously. I know that marriage is hard work. But it's work I want to do. What I don't know: What happens when a vow is broken? I thought I knew what I would do if 'the' vow was broken, if my husband cheated (he didn't), that I'd be out of here. But a friend of mine is making me see things a little differently.
She is fighting for her family.
Her husband cheated, and after the dust settled, after the tears, she decided to stay. To let him stay. Because they had 12 years together and four children. Because they had a marriage (of sorts) and she loved him enough to try to fight. And he loved her enough to try, too.
So they are fighting for their family.
I was at their home last night. And I'll be honest. I have a hard time being with him, knowing what he did to this woman I love and respect. This beautiful woman who has been my friend these past 7 1/2 years. But I watched them together last night. He spoke to her in a kinder voice than I've ever heard him use. He looked at her. I haven't seen him really look at her in years. There was eye contact and conversation. He didn't put her down, which he always used to do. They didn't fight.
When I ask her about their marriage, about how she is staying, she says it's never been better. That they talk more, communicate better and have fewer fights now than before his infidelity. She say's it's because they are both taking responsibility for what happened, that there are factors on both sides that cause a bad marriage. So now they are both working on it. I never thought of it this way. I just thought, "You cheat, you leave. End of discussion." But now I'm beginning to see things a little differently.
Would I stay and fight? Or would I feel as I do now, that the fighting was done and the decision had been made when the cheating took place. I don't know.
I do know that I have a new found respect for her as she and her husband fight for this marriage.
wow. can't imagine. what they are doing takes incredible strength.
ReplyDeleteGood for them for doing what they feel is right for their marriage, and not just splitting up because "that's what people do" when one cheats, you know?
ReplyDeleteI always thought like you did...you cheat, you leave. Until it happened to me.
ReplyDeleteJ and I aren't married, but we'd been together for several years when the cheating happened. And at first, I left and didn't want anything to do with him. But then we started talking and figuring things out. We are still together.
There was damage to the relationship and there are things that I will never get over. But I've chosen to forgive him and move forward together.
I learned that your friend is right...there are factors on both sides that contribute to a bad relationship. And I learned that it's never quite as cut and dried as "you cheat, you leave". Every situation is different...the factors and the motivation and the reasons. Our particular situation was very complicated and if the circumstances had been different, I might have made a different choice.
I wish your friend a lot of luck...it's not easy to do what she's doing. She's lucky she has a friend like you to help her through this.
Your friend is so incredibly strong and brave. The fact that they are trying and working so hard is inspiring. I thought it was a no-brainer as well. But after the year I've been through with my husband I can honestly say that leaving was so easy to say but actually walking out of the door couldn't have been more difficult. Marriage is hard. Bottom line. But when you work together towards a common goal like 'saving OUR marriage' it becomes a much stronger bond.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Shana - your friend is lucky that she has a friend like you to stick by her side and not judge her.
I've always known, when a marriage breaks down, it's not just because someone's a sociopath and makes decisions that benefit only him/her. Well, I guess it's possible . . . but that decision to cheat is a cowardly one - but also a difficult one.
ReplyDeleteI've been cheated on (not in marriage, but in long-term relationships), and it drives a lot of introspection. I'd say it's almost fortunate for me, in the cases where I have been cheated on, that she chose to leave. I mean, I approach relationships quite differently now than I did back then . . . but the introspection, the "what did I do wrong?" is soul-crushing . . . the "what can I live with?" can force you to re-evaluate your own self-worth, and the "what can I do to fix this right now" can make you ignore the forest for the trees so badly that you don't realize that you're all town up with barbs.
Just awful all around.
I applaud both friends for working through it - well, I don't know, if I were the wife in that relationship, if I'd have been able to put up with things beforehand . . . he, just, um, doesn't seem pleasant. But, if this changed him, and made him want to fight for his family - well, there are worse things, I guess.
Sometimes things have to hit rock bottom to truly show what a relationship can be. It opens up everyone's eyes and can really teach a couple to communicate. I wish your friends the best of luck.
ReplyDeleteI have had this happen to several married friends, and unfortunately, in all cases, the cheater did not want to stay and make it better. So good for them for fighting for their marriage. Best of luck to their family.
ReplyDeleteSigh. This is so hard. Like you I've always thought (and still do) that I'd hit the road, but until you're in those shoes, you just don't know. People come back from that and like your friend, they come back better than ever.
ReplyDeleteA friend of ours is in a similar situation. And I'm watching his family be completely rocked. His kids are little. His wife is destroyed. And he's sleeping on my couch from time to time, just over the accusation of infidelity. (I'm still not sure if there actually was any.) It breaks my heart and scares me in ways that I can't begin to describe. Like in a "if it could happen to them..." kind of way.
Isn't it funny how our views change and we get older and wiser? I used to be the same. Cheat = leave. But now? After 10 years of marriage and 2 kids. Oy, the ramifications.... Humans are so complex. I'm learning in my old age that its never black and white.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think it is unfortunate that so much emphais is placed on "the" vow, when if more attention was given to all the vows couples make on their wedding day, infidelity would often be prevented.
ReplyDeleteWhen my first marriage broke down, many people asked me if he had "broken his vows" meaning had he broken "the" vow. Well, in fact he had broken his vows, but not necessarily the vow that they had in mind (though even that was up for interpretation).
Whether people feel cherished, respected and loved in their marriages is a big part of whether they stay true to one another in the physical part of marriage.
Jodi
Exactly! Again, you are ALWAYS insightful, so full of wisdom. How do you do that??
ReplyDeleteYou.are.great. I love this response. Truly.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that, but so glad you two are working it out. It takes so much strength to stay and work it out. Much more than leaving. That is something I've learned.
ReplyDeleteSo glad to read this and know that I am not the only one. We are moving forward too.
ReplyDelete