I have a guest blogger here today. She's not blogging at her own place today because (wait for it) she is here.at.my.house. Diana from Hormonal Imbalances is having a little vacation down memory lane, coming to see me, (and my husband, he's known her family since before she was born) and then hitting the BlogHer writing conference in NYC. What could be more perfect than that? You all know I adore and respect Diana - she's the reason I started blogging. She's the first blog I ever read. She's my 'Heir to Blair,' my 'Dooce.' And she's right here. Probably in my van as you read this. (that noise you hear? Me. Losing my mind.)
There was a time after having Bella when I thought I had lost my marbles.
She was a few months old and I began to think that something was wrong. I couldn't shake it. The
constant nagging that I was a terrible mother. That I wasn't doing my
best. That if I wasn't with her every waking moment I was neglecting
her. I was exhausted and dealing with a very sick little girl
(diagnosed with failure to thrive and severe reflux later).
So I went to my doctor. I told her what was going on, that I simply
couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I didn't react the same to
situations, I felt trapped in my own mind with my thoughts of screwing
motherhood up.
Listening to me, she assured me that many mothers deal with what I was
going through. She told me that I was just dealing with months of
stress, from a rough pregnancy to a tough newborn phase. She also said
that she thought I was dealing with mild Postpartum Depression.
This made sense. I'd been blogging a few months and in that time, had
read story after story from the women I'd grown to know online that
realized something was wrong. But mine didn't feel the same. I wasn't
depressed. I was just...a mess.
All I wanted to do was have everything clean and neat. All the time.
To have a schedule and my days run like clockwork. With a newborn,
this was impossible and I got panicky that I couldn't keep it all
together.
I began to read up on both PPD and more closely of the women going
through it. And I realized that I didn't have it. I didn't know what
was wrong (and I still don't) but it wasn't that.
So this brings me to having another baby. I don't know what was wrong
the first time. What if it happens again? What then? And until I know,
I can't choose to have another child on purpose. And that's ok with me
for now. I just want to know, at some point, what was wrong.
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Hormonal Imbalances
@lifeasaSAHM
Facebook
Wanted to send hugs to both of you, and to say that I'm so glad you get to hang out together! Enjoy New Jersey (my own home!!)
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm not a doctor - and haven't been to a doctor - but I think you can have mild postpartum depression (or anxiety? which it sounds like you had?) without falling apart. I think that because I'm a mess too. Because I've been waiting for it to get better when I started sleeping, when I got my act (mostly) together, when the baby turned one - and it hasn't. And I've been saying that because I don't have it bad like so many of the brave mamas I read (like Kim!), because I'm able to get out of bed and get out of the house, that there's nothing wrong and I don't need help. But I think maybe that's not true.
I don't have the answers. But I'm right here with you and listening.
Diana, have you done any research in anxiety? You may need to talk to a psychiatrist to figure out whats up. Sometimes just knowing whats going on can bring about a ton of relief and they can prescribe meds too if needed. Have fun in NYC!! October in the city is the best.
ReplyDeleteI am no doctor, but it sounds like anxiety and a bit of OCD. Do you have these problems BEFORE pregnancy and birth, at any time of your life? I would say the best thing to do would be to talk to a doctor (OB or therapist) to get to the bottom of it. That way you can choose where to go from there.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
First of all I'm incredibly jealous. Cause hanging withthe two of you and all our kids would be lovely.
ReplyDeleteSecond I'm just giving you my support on your decision to wait on a second child. I remember you posting about being happy to NOT be pregnant a little while ago and while I respected it, I didn't quite get it. Now I do. You're gonna figure it out and you're gonna be ok. And then the world will be blessed with another little Bella ; )
Sending big hugs and love to you both!!
[...] (well yesterday but I spaced it out with all that’s going on) I guest posted for Kim at BabyFeet about what happened after I had Bella and why it convinced me to wait on any more children until I [...]
ReplyDeleteI had them starting at the end of my pregnancy. But up until then, no. Now, I don't have them any more (I like a clean house but that's a whole other blog post lol). But I worry that I'll just snap the second time around and be a neurotic mess again. :/
ReplyDeleteOh, I would love that. One of these days we'll all meet up.
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks for the support, I do realize a lot of people wonder about me putting off a second child indefinitely, but for us it just seems like the best thing to do until I know it won't happen again. That part and making sure preterm labor, etc wasn't because of something I did.
<3 Thanks story. It's not an easy thing to deal with huh?
ReplyDeleteI'm ok now, and at the time my Dr. didn't want to take it any further with meds because I was breastfeeding. I still like to clean :) but it's not at that panicked level of insanity. lol.
ReplyDeleteI do want to see someone if we decided to try getting (or found out we accidentally were) pregnant again. I think I owe that to Sam, Bella, and me to find out what happened.
I can't wait - NY tomorrow!
I am no expert but it sounds maybe like a little OCD that caused anxiety because life with a newborn simply isn't able to fit those needs. BUT I also know that depression isn't always what most people describe it as. I have dealt with clinical depression, the kind where you feel like you are carrying the weight of the world and the thought of living just more day can be too much. I've attempted suicide. But I also know that at times it led me to just be plain irrational. I wasn't sad, I just felt crazy. I had break downs that even at the time I felt crazy for. Other times I felt totally sane in the moment but looking back I was out of control. When I was pregnant with my oldest son I would start horrific fights with my husband, tell him to leave and then go hunt him down. All this just to say that I think that the stories of post partum depression all sound very similar, from baby blues to more extreme they all share a similar view of depression. I think this is because that is what people know as depression and when it is something outside of that, people don't know what to do with it. I can tell you that all the issues that being pregnant and giving birth to my first son brought on, getting pregnant with my second straightened out. Having a third has brought some mild depression, stress and way more anxiety than I can handle most days. But I think that if you really feel you weren't dealing with depression, it may simply have been a struggle with a lack of control. And that if it wasn't hormone induced, skipping the pregnancy isn't going to change anything. If you adopt, there will be a transitional period, things will feel out of control again (especially if you adopt a newborn) and I would be prepared to work through those feelings again just in case.
ReplyDeletePPD can manifest itself primarily as anxiety and OCD and it really does sound like that's what you were dealing with.
ReplyDeleteIf it happens with another baby? You'll write about it. You'll talk to doctors. You'll find people who love & support you, and you'll make it through.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a doctor nor do I play one on TV but if I had to guess I'd say it was postpartum anxiety. I can't believe your doctor was so nonchalant about your concerns and symptoms. :(
ReplyDeleteWhen you and Sam are ready for another little one, talk to your doctor about your concerns before you show symptoms. New parenthood is overwhelming (no matter if it's your 1st or your 20th) and it's okay to let menial things (like a clean house) slide. (Easier said than done I know!)