Violet and Sarah are both in the ballet, The Nutcracker, this Christmas. Violet was an angel before, and this year she's a polichinelle. (I have no idea. Kind of like a cute clown.) Sarah is an angel. I'm one of the parents. On stage. Dancing. (I'll wait for the laughter to die down.)
The girls who dance in the same scene as me are the 'party girls' and all the angels watch them and wait for the day that they are old enough to be one. They are on stage when the curtain first opens, dance with dolls, see the Nutcracker, dance with Clara.
This year Violet is just old enough to be a 'party girl.' At try outs she kept wondering if perhaps she'd get two parts - polichinelle and party girl.
She got one. And that one is not 'party girl.'
Two of her dance friends? Two parts. Party girl among them.
Violet handled it so amazingly well. She was a little confused, we talked about how this is the first year her class is old enough to be in the scene, and Ava and Abby are the only two who were pulled out for it. She nodded and the next time she saw them told them how cool it was and hasn't said a thing since.
I see them at practice. And while we have a lot of fun in practice, at the last one I was overcome by such a sadness.
Ava and Abby were there. Violet wasn't. And I think she is just as good a dancer as they are.
I know, I know. I'm her mom, I'm supposed to think this. But I'm very honest about her abilities.
I know that she is a good technical swimmer but one of the slowest on the team. I know that in softball she is super at hitting and running, but can't field a ball.
So it was very, very difficult to watch practice the other day. I adore these two little girls. We've danced with them since the girls were five. But I found myself critiquing. What did they do that Violet didn't? What didn't they do that Violet did?
Then I remembered that Violet got that terrible virus right after try outs.
So I felt better.
For about 10 seconds.
Then I remembered that this isn't about me.
Violet seems to be totally fine with the way things are at this point. She doesn't get sad when I leave for practice without her. She's happy to see me when I get home, asks if I had fun, what did I learn, etc. She's excited about her part, what her costume will look like and what new dance she'll be learning.
It's not about me.
So why does it feel like it is?
Was I honestly thinking it was some sort of reflection on my parenting that she didn't get the part? That if I'd put her in the jazz class year like we'd talked about she would have gotten a 'party girl' part. Only I didn't do that. So . . . fail. So .. . yes. Reflection on my parenting.
But. This is about Violet. And she's happy with her part, excited.
So why must I, even in my mind, want more, better, best for her? Can't this be enough for her? Everyone can't be the lead, their has to be chorus dancers.
I don't know.
This isn't about me.
Except my brain and heart kept making it that way.
I think you need to focus on what an amazing person Violet is. She handled that situation with a grace that is beyond her years. Be proud of her for that......because you definitely should be. That is a huge parenting WIN!!
ReplyDeleteIt's just so hard because even though it isn't about us, we want for our children. We want them to be pretty (or handsome) and popular, and GOOD at whatever they do. We want others to see how awesome they are, and when that doesn't happen, it hurts.
ReplyDeleteOoooh, that's a toughie. We're not there yet. Although I'm finally starting to feel the first effects of my son being shy. I'm sure it is hurting me way more than it is hurting him.
ReplyDeleteMaybe since she is done feeling her feelings about the whole thing, you are trying to feel them for her? I don't know. But I can imagine that would be hard.
I was a dancer for years and I critiqued myself so badly. If I didn't get a part I was devastated. I hope your daughter continues to find peace when something doesn't go her way.
She DID handle it so well, and I totally noticed it. But I still want that part for her so badly, is what this is. But you're right, of course. The graceful part is where my focus should be.
ReplyDeleteThis is so spot on. Exactly.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Molly. I hope she continutes this way, too. She is so amazingly confident for an 8 year old, and did handle the situation with such grace . . . that's where I should be looking, as another reader said. And the shyness . . . I was a shy kid and eventually grew out of it when I was comfortable. And it was fine, really.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could tell you that it will get better . . . but it won't. All I can add is, if your little girl is ok without making it, you, Kim, are doing something very right. It's still about her having fun & her doing her best.
ReplyDeleteIf she ever does get upset, as someone who commonly has to help make the decisions about who is in and who is out, sometimes you are equally split between two candidates for the same role, and it could go down to "well, this person lives closer" or a coin flip that wins it for the other guy . . .
I get it.
ReplyDeleteI never anticipated the feelings I would experience while watching my boys play (or not play) sports. My heart sinks to the hollowed out place within the pit of my stomach when one of them strikes out, misses a catch or is left sitting on the bench.
I think it is completely normal to feel this way about our children. I'm sure you've seen this quote before... "Making a decision to have a child -- it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." (Elizabeth Stone)
No truer words were ever written.
I agree with Jen! As a performer that's the hardest thing to learn -- how to handle it with grace when you don't get the part you wanted. I admire Violet's grace, composure, and genuine happiness for her friends. Agreed - huge parenting win here for sure. Brava!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Diane. That quote is exactly how I feel!
ReplyDeleteJohn, this is great, thank you so much. She is having fun - so much - and I know that's what is important. I watch closely for that.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jen. I was surprized at how well she 'took' not being picked to audition to for the part, but she really did. And you're right, that's one of the hardest things to learn. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI think you've just described one of the heartbreaking realities of parenting. It doesn't mean you're making it about you - it means you are a mom.
ReplyDeleteAwww honey. You're such a great mama. it's so incredibly hard to watch them and know how amazing they are and just want the absolute best. You should be even more proud for how well she's handled it. Love it.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jess. I am so proud at how she handled it. I don't think I would have done so well at her age. (or perhaps now. Obviously.)
ReplyDeleteThank you, Amber. I needed to hear that!
ReplyDelete