Wednesday, November 9, 2011

More Crazy In My Head

I was sick last week with some fever virus for 3 1/2 days.  It was a low grade fever, really no big deal, but it just drained me and made every.single.bone in my body ache.

And I was freaking out in my head.

Not because I thought I had some disease. Because I know I have one. It's called clinical depression, Bi -polar, manic depression.  Whatever you want to label it, that's the disease I have. And when I'm sick? I feel like I felt when I was at my worst.

So I go a little nuts in my head.

There were so many things that happened when I was sick (and really, it was so mild) that took me back to those dark days. So many things that in my mind equal depression. I was constantly saying to myself, "You are not depressed. You are sick. For the love of all things good and holy, you.have.a.fever. Stop worrying. Rest."

And then I'd get up and vacuum. Or do a load of laundry. Or attempt an art project with the kids. I even got completely dressed one day, full make up and hair done, jewelry on. The works. Only to pull back on my yoga pants and lay on the couch a sweaty,  chilly mess.

In my head, now, 'resting' or sleeping, or not doing something equals depression. And all the things you do, or don't do when you are sick? Are things I did or didn't do while I was depressed.

I didn't clean

I didn't do laundry

I didn't do art projects with the kids

I didn't get dressed

I wore yoga pants all day

I never wore make up

I made excuses to not see friends

I made the kids miss activities because I couldn't handle getting them there

And these are all the things you do when you're sick. Even though I had a fever, even though I had bone deep aches, I was constantly second guessing myself and questioning, "Am I truly sick? Do I really have a virus? Or is this depression that has snuck up on me?"

I'm betting I would have felt a whole lot better had I just been able to rest and not run in circles in my mind. If I'd just been able to to not go a little crazy in my head, stop worrying about the depression creeping back in and really 'get' that depression doesn't come with a fever, I think resting would have come a whole lot easier. But I couldn't. Maybe next time -- except then I expect that I'll think, "I was just sick. So this must be depression!" I guess the best way to look at this is to realize I'm staying on top of my illness, while going a tad crazy in my head.

10 comments:

  1. I'm sorry! That has to be so unbelievably frustrating.

    I'm glad you're feeling better now.

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  2. Wow! I never would have thought of that... thank you for sharing this. It makes so much sense in that it doesn't make sense... you're "sick" either way. Know what I mean?

    Glad you're on the mend.

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  3. Wow - the crazy in your head is the same as the crazy in my head . . . that's really freaky. I know that, when I get sick, my body needs to rest. I need to let my body "do its thing" against the germs or bacteria or viruses that are invading me and then I'll be able to get back.

    But, there is a very real part of me that is convinced that, if I sit back on my haunches, that I'll never get that "get up and go." So, I push myself. I work. I play with the kids. I walk the dogs. I cook and clean and do whatever, if I've deemed myself so sick that I might get others sick. I still wake up at the same time as I normally do, so that my body doesn't get too used to a "getting better" standard.

    In short, I don't allow myself to get better, because I'm clinging to some foreign notion that, if I do allow myself to relax and get better, I won't go back to doing the things that I feel that I should be doing.

    It's a viscous cycle.

    *hugs* you're not alone.

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  4. We have the same crazy. This was like reading about my day being sick - that's what I do. I run around trying to act like I'm not that sick and then end up even sicker.

    And if I don't, I feel even worse about the day and doing nothing.

    Vicious cycle. Vicious.

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  5. I am feeling so much better - physically and mentally. Thank you :)

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  6. I know EXACTLY what you mean :)

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  7. You do the same thing?? Oh, thank God. I seriously thought I was the only one. Thank you for telling me! It's so frustrating. It then takes twice as long to actually get better.

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  8. That's the word: vicious. And we can't win either way. We're either too sick or not sick enough.

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  9. Honey. I know it's a horrible cycle. But you are a fighter, you won. And you still fight. It must be scary. And I totally understand.

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  10. Thanks, Jess. I need to be reminded of that sometimes!

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