Wednesday, November 9, 2011

More Crazy In My Head

I was sick last week with some fever virus for 3 1/2 days.  It was a low grade fever, really no big deal, but it just drained me and made every.single.bone in my body ache.

And I was freaking out in my head.

Not because I thought I had some disease. Because I know I have one. It's called clinical depression, Bi -polar, manic depression.  Whatever you want to label it, that's the disease I have. And when I'm sick? I feel like I felt when I was at my worst.

So I go a little nuts in my head.

There were so many things that happened when I was sick (and really, it was so mild) that took me back to those dark days. So many things that in my mind equal depression. I was constantly saying to myself, "You are not depressed. You are sick. For the love of all things good and holy, you.have.a.fever. Stop worrying. Rest."

And then I'd get up and vacuum. Or do a load of laundry. Or attempt an art project with the kids. I even got completely dressed one day, full make up and hair done, jewelry on. The works. Only to pull back on my yoga pants and lay on the couch a sweaty,  chilly mess.

In my head, now, 'resting' or sleeping, or not doing something equals depression. And all the things you do, or don't do when you are sick? Are things I did or didn't do while I was depressed.

I didn't clean

I didn't do laundry

I didn't do art projects with the kids

I didn't get dressed

I wore yoga pants all day

I never wore make up

I made excuses to not see friends

I made the kids miss activities because I couldn't handle getting them there

And these are all the things you do when you're sick. Even though I had a fever, even though I had bone deep aches, I was constantly second guessing myself and questioning, "Am I truly sick? Do I really have a virus? Or is this depression that has snuck up on me?"

I'm betting I would have felt a whole lot better had I just been able to rest and not run in circles in my mind. If I'd just been able to to not go a little crazy in my head, stop worrying about the depression creeping back in and really 'get' that depression doesn't come with a fever, I think resting would have come a whole lot easier. But I couldn't. Maybe next time -- except then I expect that I'll think, "I was just sick. So this must be depression!" I guess the best way to look at this is to realize I'm staying on top of my illness, while going a tad crazy in my head.