My husband and I argue. We try to not do it in front of the kids. But we do argue. And I complain about him sometimes. And he complains about me -- but I have to say that I'm much worse at this than he is. He is amazing in his patience with me.
I love him more than I ever thought possible. And yet we still argue. But here's why:
It's how we work things out. It's how we come to realize the real issues. That what's behind the small complaints (I leave my glasses all over the house) is really about me not picking up the kitchen when I should have. Or how a big complaint (You don't respect what I do all day) isn't truthful, it's just a build up of some smaller items (dishes in the sink when the dishwasher is empty, changing channels when I'm watching something).
After 10 years of marriage I've finally realized that we argue to hash things out. That I'm not always forthcoming with what's bothering me, so I let it build, and then we argue. I'm working on that. My husband, for the most (large, huge) part, just doesn't get angry at me until I react to something he's done, or not done. He's very tolerant that way. I know that because we argue it doesn't mean we love each other any less or have a more dysfunctional marriage than others.
I also know that we complain and tease each other about things we do. He'll be the first to tell you that he can track my movements by where the glasses are in the house (I worked on the computer: a half empty glass of water. I knitted: a half empty cup of coffee. ) and I'll roll my eyes. Then come back with how he doesn't believe anything he hasn't seen before (especially bothersome when planning our wedding. "Throw flowers, not rice? You can't do that. I've never heard of that. You can't do it." Uhm, yes, we can.). But then we laugh. Because you can track my movements around the house based on my drinking glasses, and he really does think things don't exist if he hasn't seen them.
I've been around other couples who don't argue, and I think that's great - for them. It's how they communicate, how their marriage works. But I realize that- after 10 years- my husband and I have to argue to get to the root of some things. Not everything. There are many things we just discuss, but many others that are hot ticket items and cause us to actually argue.
I also admit that he's a much better communicator than I am. If I'm doing something that is upsetting him, he just comes out and tells me, then is done with it. I stew and think and convince myself that whatever is happening, he's doing it just to bother me. He never is.
So. We argue.
Do you?
Um. Yes. We argue a lot. Almost 9 years of marriage and all the stress we have - it's our stress relief in many ways. We've tried to take it away from Bella, and to do it in a much more rational manner. But I can't imagine a marriage of no arguments. Maybe it's possible but I think eventually I'd simply explode into flames.
ReplyDeleteYep, we have the occasional argument. Usually about rediculous stuff. We are much better about communicating now then we were ten years ago. I think as long as the argument is civil its ok for the kids to see it, sometimes. I think they need to know that disagreements and comprimise are a normal part of relationships.
ReplyDeleteYou are going to hate me for this but the truth is that we hardly ever argue. We have been married for 11 years and it is a second marriage for both of us.
ReplyDeleteMy hubby and I think a lot the same on most things and we have similar temperments. We have committed to dealing with things earlier rather than later, and most of the time that works. It probably helps that we are not raising children together, and are a "mature" (okay older)couple,I suppose.
When we do argue it is almost always when we are tired or under pressure or both.
My first marriage was a whole different story.
Jodi
It's funny, because I came over here after reading the first post in the BlogHer sidebar ad -- the one that says her and her husband don't argue. And I was pretty bumed out after reading that, to say the least.
ReplyDeleteWe argue. Sometimes not a lot, sometimes a lot. Right now we are going through an arguing phase because we are tyring to figure out how to handle a child-rearing issue: I don't like how he reponds, and he has no idea what to do/why he is not being helpful. Sometimes it's hard to hash out all the details, and we argue. It doesn't mean I don't love him, it DOES make me realize I should work harder at NOT starting arguments ... but I think it will always be a part of our marriage.
Veronica, I'm so glad you came over! I honestly don't understand the no arguing thing, probably b/c we argue. it's our way of clearing the air. And we go through phases, too. I think all marriages do.
ReplyDeleteI think it's different when it's a second marriage sometimes, and when you're a more mature couple :) We don't argue as much as we did when we were first married ... you learn how to communicate better I think.
ReplyDelete