Wednesday, November 16, 2011

My February Song

Where has that old friend gone

Lost in a February song

Tell him it won't be long

'Till he opens his eyes, opens his eyes

Where is that simple day

Before colors broke into shades

And how did I ever fade

Into this life, into this life

And I never want to let you down

Forgive me if I slip away

When all that I've known is lost and found

I promise you I, I'll come back to you someday

Morning is waking up

And sometimes it's more than just enough

when all that you really need to love

Is in front of your eyes, it's in front of your eyes

And I never want to let you down

Forgive me if I slip away

Someitmes it's hard to find my ground

'Cause I keep on falling as

I try to get away from this crazy world

And I never want to let you down . ..

This is my song. My anthem. It's the song that pulled me through some of my deepest, darkest moments during my depression. The first time I understood the lyrics I had hope -- hope that I was not alone. That hope echoed through my soul. "I am not alone."

It's a well known fact that I like Josh Groban just a little.   Standing at his concert on Monday night, as he sang this song, I fell apart. All the emotions; the fears that depression plants in your head, the hatred it seers in your heart, the doubts that fill your mind, they all came rushing back stronger than I imagined they would. Tears ran down my cheeks. At first I was humiliated. What would people think? Then I decided that first, Ididn't care because I was never going to see any of these people again. And second, this was part of my journey. This was part of the healing process.  

I realized, as I listened to him sing "February Song" and relived all of that darkness, remembered it so knife sharp , that this was a way for me to continue healing. I was forced to acknowledge how keenly I felt those emotions the song brought up, how they effected me at the time and continue to effect my life today.

All of this I had to do, had to begin processing during a four minute song at Madison Square Garden, surrounded by thousands of people.  I remembered how I would put the song on repeat and just listen to the lyrics, crying and hoping, because I thought that finally, possibly, somebody else understood what I was going through. And it was that hope  that I was not alone that helped pull me through. "I am not alone." It was the first time I actually believed it.

So. Standing in Madison Square Garden 3 years after that moment. I'm healthy and healing. And bawling. But I don't care. It's my journey. My process. It was my February Song. And I got through it.